Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I'm a Big Girl...He's a Big Boy....

That's what finally occurred to me as I considered if I would EVER break it to my Daddy that I'm ready to search for my Mom.

I've always thought about whether I would ever look for my Mom. Ever since I was a teenager I thought about it for fleeting moments before the thought quickly vanished. It always seemed such an improbability. Excuses always came to mind for why I SHOULD not or WOULD not ever search. Excuses that always put everyone's feelings ahead of my own.

~I didn't want to hurt my parents
~I didn't want for my dying mother to think I was already looking for her replacement
~I didn't want to make my grieving Daddy think I had moved on so quickly after Mommy's death to eagerly look for someone or something new
~I didn't want to barge into and interfere with my Mom's life, especially had she moved on without sharing news of my existence with her family

I also was not ready to prepare myself for the worst. For not finding her, for finding she had died, for....REJECTION.

But something happened a few nights ago, somewhat in the wake of the Adoptee Rights Demonstration held on July 21 in Philadelphia (an event I was unable, for a variety of reasons, to attend). As I was laying in bed thinking about the emptiness I sometimes feel in my heart, the longing to know the person who brought me into this world, the enormous guilt I feel for even thinking such occurred to me that I am 35 years old. I am not a child. And my Daddy, who I worry so much about and who I would hate to hurt in any way, is, in fact, an adult himself.

It finally dawned on me that if he has enough confidence in our relationship and love for one another to be upfront and honest about the new lady in his life, then why can't I be upfront and honest about my desire to finally know my Mom? I mean, after all these years, would it even really surprise him? Probably not!

So, I have reached a decision. Next week we will be on vacation with my Daddy. I hope, at some point during our time together, to sit down with him and have a real heart to heart. I hope to share with him how much he means to me, how much joy it brings me that he has found a lady with whom he finds happiness, and how, at 35 years old, I think I'm ready to take that first step in finding my Mom. I don't need his help...I know that. And honestly, I don't need his blessing, support, or encouragement. I don't NEED those things. But gosh, it sure would feel great moving forward if I had them. I don't NEED them...but I WANT them with every fiber of my being! And why not seek them? After all.....I'm a big girl and he's a big boy, right?!


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