Friday, March 12, 2010

Some Thoughts

As I lay in bed last night watching the minutes fly by, I continued to wonder why the words "not reported" hurt so much. I mean, what did I really expect to get? Did I really expect the info I would receive to answer any questions or reveal anything new?

I'm not really sure WHAT I expected. I'm not even sure that I had expectations at all. I guess I expected a big manila envelope with a packet of information. But when I got that single piece of paper in a standard letter-size envelope with evidence of information I COULD have received, that's when it hit me. Happy birthday to ME, right?! Here's your information. You got NOTHING! You CAME from nothing!

I never imagined that the possible information available would include the hair color, eye color, height, and weight of both my mother AND father! I guess I simply assumed there would be some information about the circumstances of my relinquishment.

So, with nothing about those circumstances except that the agency involved will be asked to forward information to me, and with all the other information "not reported" I feel like my whole world just crumbled. Now there's nothing to imagine anymore. Now it's just all blank. Rather than fill a void, a gap in my life, this non-ID info made that hole even larger.

I know more info is coming but it was hard enough waiting for this bit of NOTHING! I'm not sure my heart can withstand another page of "not reported". How will I deal with that? What will I do then? Was my life better before even starting down this path? At least I had SOMETHING! At least I had my thoughts, my imagination, my dreams. At least it was SOMETHING!

Ah well. All in a day in the life of an adoptee. Adoption sucks! And Happy Birthday to ME!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Got My Non-ID From NY and.......


OK, so now I know my mother was 16 (not 14 like I was told). Her highest level of education was 8th grade. She got prenatal care starting in her 2nd month and carried me to full term despite uterine bleeding in her 3rd trimester. I was 5 lbs, 4 oz. My adoption was handled through Albany County Social Services, who will send me any additional non-ID info per request from the state. Of course there was nothing about my father at all!

So, nothing about height, weight, hair color, eye color, etc. Nothing about the circumstances that led to my relinquishment except the stuff about involving Albany County DSS. I guess it's more than I knew yesterday but nothing screams a slap in the face more than a bunch of lines stating "not reported". I don't can I feel worse now than I did before? It's like I finally crossed that line where my adoption has been confirmed by the state of NY but I still am not privy to information afforded all citizens except adoptees! For crying out loud........NO ONE FRICKING WROTE DOWN THE COLOR OF MY MOTHER'S HAIR? "NOT REPORTED"? WHAT'S TO REPORT?! LOOK AT THE WOMAN AND MAKE A NOTE! FOR GOD'S SAKE! What a load of crap!!!!