As I lay in bed last night watching the minutes fly by, I continued to wonder why the words "not reported" hurt so much. I mean, what did I really expect to get? Did I really expect the info I would receive to answer any questions or reveal anything new?
I'm not really sure WHAT I expected. I'm not even sure that I had expectations at all. I guess I expected a big manila envelope with a packet of information. But when I got that single piece of paper in a standard letter-size envelope with evidence of information I COULD have received, that's when it hit me. Happy birthday to ME, right?! Here's your information. You got NOTHING! You CAME from nothing!
I never imagined that the possible information available would include the hair color, eye color, height, and weight of both my mother AND father! I guess I simply assumed there would be some information about the circumstances of my relinquishment.
So, with nothing about those circumstances except that the agency involved will be asked to forward information to me, and with all the other information "not reported" I feel like my whole world just crumbled. Now there's nothing to imagine anymore. Now it's just all blank. Rather than fill a void, a gap in my life, this non-ID info made that hole even larger.
I know more info is coming but it was hard enough waiting for this bit of NOTHING! I'm not sure my heart can withstand another page of "not reported". How will I deal with that? What will I do then? Was my life better before even starting down this path? At least I had SOMETHING! At least I had my thoughts, my imagination, my dreams. At least it was SOMETHING!
Ah well. All in a day in the life of an adoptee. Adoption sucks! And Happy Birthday to ME!
11 months ago