One of my greatest weaknesses is I have the tendency to allow my brain to run wild with negative thoughts.
As a child, my mom would sometimes leave me in the car if she had to run into the grocery store just for 1 or 2 items. During those 5 or 10 minutes alone in the car I would imagine that every person walking past intended to kidnap me. I pictured it down to the point of them grabbing me and I could hear myself screaming in my head.
As a teenager, watching my parents climb a ladder to clean out the gutters sent waves of panic through me as I pictured the ladder slipping and them falling to their deaths before my very eyes. My brain raced through the scenario of what I would do, who I would call, how I would help them.
Now as an adult I imagine the same thing when DH cleans out the gutters or even mows the lawn. I almost always picture him walking through the door with blood pouring everywhere, having severed a limb with the lawn mower. I hear things such as him screaming, yelling for help, or banging on the door when he is outside working in the yard and constantly have to check where he is at or what he is doing. The minute I hear the mower stop I have to look outside to determine the cause and to make sure DH is not laying in the grass bleeding to death.
Now with children it's even worse. Just taking them out to the car in our driveway terrifies me as I picture them slipping away from me, running into the road, and getting hit by a car. I actually PICTURE, in my head, the impact of the car striking their little bodies and sending them flying across the road.
This past Monday morning I experienced my worst imagining yet. I truly believed my younger daughter had died in the the night and I could not bring myself to go into the girls' room to get them up. I heard a "thunk" in the night but did not get up and check on things. So, when I woke at 8:15 a.m. on my own without hearing any noises coming from the girls' room I just knew that the "thunk" was M falling out of bed and breaking her neck. I started thinking about how I would tell the SW and how I would tell her Mom. I didn't worry too much about WHAT I would do because in my mind she died several hours previously and there was nothing I COULD do by 8:15 a.m. I convinced myself so much of the fact that she was dead that I nearly called DH for moral support before going into their room where I knew I would find her dead body laying on the floor. After about 15-20 minutes I finally decided to just go in. I found M in her sister's bed, so clearly she HAD climbed out of her crib in the night. And my mind was still so convinced she died that I actually shook her body to try and see her move or hear her breathe. She did one of those shuddery sighs, sending pangs of relief through my entire body. I nearly melted into a ball of sobs on the floor.
What is wrong with me? Why do I let it go so far? Why can I not stop these thoughts before they run rampant through my head? Just one time I want to be able to say "STOP! I WILL NOT LET THESE THOUGHTS TERRORIZE ME!" I just wish I knew how.........
3 years ago