Tired

It's been quite some time since my last post. I guess I've just been TIRED! Tired of all this adoption stuff. Tired of it all just being there in front of me when really I just wish it would go away. But it won't go away. EVER.

Before we decided to adopt I never thought about it, never cared about it, never considered the ethics, the grief, the pain associated with it. It was just something people did to grow their family and was perfectly normal, acceptable, and RIGHT! It was the GOOD and DECENT thing to do. However, adopting as an adoptee opened my eyes to a whole world that, honestly, at this point in my life is just so life-draining and depressing.

I'm so happy to have my daughters in my life and, even knowing what I know now, wouldn't change a thing in the world, despite this overwhelming sadness that envelopes me from time to time.

But I'm still TIRED! I want one day in my life to NOT be about adoption. I want just one day in my life to be about belonging and knowing.

I'm just TIRED!

Tired of missing someone I may never know.
Tired of wishing I knew a person who might not even remember me or want a relationship with me.
Tired of thinking "maybe today I'll do it...maybe today I'll start the search" and then walking away, once again.
Tired of feeling drawn to those stories and videos showing the immeasurable grief associated with relinquishing a child.
Tired of putting myself into the shoes of EVERY child ever adopted and wishing for something different for them...for me.
Tired of feeling silenced by the adoptive parents who just really don't want to know the truth.
Tired of feeling like a traitor to the adoptees who knew the truth about adoption way before I even knew a "fog" existed.
Tired of looking at my daughter and wondering if our openness with her about her adoption will help prevent her from becoming me.
Tired of associating every little cry, every little unhappy toddler moment, every bit of defiance with attachment and adoption and worrying that I screwed my daughter up from day one.
Tired of wondering what is wrong with me.
Tired of thinking that everything I do is a failure.
Tired of chalking my negative self-worth up to being adopted.
Tired of guessing what she looks like, sounds like, acts like.
Tired of thinking about HER......

Just....

TIRED!