Monday, August 10, 2009

Drum Roll Please.......

That big conversation I was planning to have with never materialized. Partially cuz I'm a wimp...partially because I saw him maybe a total of 10 hours the whole time we were together, and only 2 1/2 of those hours were we alone! I got up a tiny bit of courage when we were driving to and from the grocery store together but before I could work up the nerve to start he began asking me about DH's job concerns and that was that...nerve just plain sucked right out of me. I could have also brought something up the 1/2 hour we were together in the car on our way to and from dinner Friday but that was our last evening together and I just couldn't bring myself to spring it on him with no other time to sit alone and talk after the fact.

Oh, I'm sure I could have forced a way to have the conversation. I probably could have just crawled up on his bed one afternoon and just poured out my heart. And we sure did enough talking about his girlfriend this past week that I'm sure it would have been a relief for him to talk about somthing ELSE. But, once again, I chickened out! It's all such a big, silly, cyclical mess! I won't really actively start searching until I talk to him about it but I won't talk to him about it because I'm either too nervous to break the news to him or I'm actually more anxious about searching and this is a passive-aggressive way to continue putting it off!

UGH!!! Why can't this be simple?! Why does being adopted have to be so stinking hard sometimes? It's situations like this that just make me HATE adoption! Natural kids don't have these issues...WHY DO I????????

No comments: