Not as gracefully or smoothly as I hoped, but I jumped it nonetheless!
I sent Daddy an e-mail today telling him that I'm ready to start searching for my Mom. There might have been a hint of "asking permission" in my words, but really it was just straightforward with an "I'm ready to do this and am prepared for the hurt" feel to it.
My Daddy is a strong man who shows very little emotion. I know he loves me...he tells me that all the time. And I know he cares for me more than words could ever express. He has always recognized my sensitive side and knows that I can sometimes take things harder than someone else might. For that reason, he has always tried to protect me from as much as he can control. When Mommy was dying of cancer he often minimized the severity of her disease and the pain she was feeling as it ravaged her body. Even the night she died he never suggested that the end was only hours away. When he had his own heart attack, 2 years after Mommy's death, he waited to call me until he was in the hospital, just hours from open heart surgery. He never asked that I come be with him, knowing how much I fear sickness, pain, and even death. Admittedly, it took his assistant pastor to call and encourage me to come before either he or I recognized the NEED for me to be there with him.
Knowing my Daddy, the details surrounding my adoption fall under this same category. He has protected me for as long as possible from the pain that might surface as a result of searching for my Mom. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to face that potential pain. I'm also ready to embrace that potential joy and freedom! And for that reason, I finally shared with him that whether it brings tears of joy or tears of sadness, I am now ready to know more about my Mom and her family!
3 years ago