Sinking In

The gravity of what I did on Monday is finally sinking in. The numerous possible outcomes plague my heart and soul every waking AND sleeping moment of my day.

Will Daddy even see my e-mail? He checks his e-mail so infrequently...what if he never sees it? And how will I know if he does? Will he respond immediately upon reading it? Will he wait to gather his thoughts before replying? Will he simply put together all the information he has and just quietly ship it to me with no warning?

And to that...what information DOES he have? He MUST know the agency or organization through which he adopted me! But what information, if any, does he have about my Mom? Supposedly she sent my parents a letter a year after I was adopted. Does he still have that or was it thrown away and forgotten as an insignificant piece of MY history?! More importantly than any bit of information he has, does he know her NAME? All I really want...all I've ever wanted...is her name! WHO IS SHE????? Why, on God's green earth, do I not know the name of the woman who gave birth to me? WHY????

All these questions got me thinking about the world of adoption as I know it (here is where all the AP's who read my blog need to start paying attention). So many times I read and hear AP's discuss how open they are with their children about their adoption. They talk about this openness thing in the same breath they utter THE phrase. You know the one. The one that means they are open to discussing adoption with their children. Yeah...I know you know. THAT phrase. The "our children will always know that when they are ready to talk about their adoption and ask questions we will be here for them. All they need to do is ask" UH-HUH! THAT PHRASE!!!!! "ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS ASK!"

Well, guess what Moms and Dads. It's WAY easier for YOU to say than it is for us "children" to do! My parents used that phrase. They had 1, maybe 2, real, "honest", "lengthy" conversations with me about my adoption. They ended the conversation(s) with "if you ever want to search or ever want to know more about you Mom all you have to do is ask. We can help you with anything you need." Aaaahhhh yes. Sure. Do you know how old I am? That phrase was used on me when I was 16 years old. I am now 35 years old and still know nothing about my adoption OR my natural family! And what's worse? I feel AWFUL for having asked! It took every ounce of courage in my being to send the e-mail I sent on Monday! I am 35 years old and still worry about hurting my Daddy by asking about my adoption. Why? Why should I be so scared? After all, I'M 35 YEARS OLD!!!!

I'm scared because I don't want to hurt him. I'm scared because I don't want him to think I don't love him anymore. I'm scared because I don't want him to relive the pain he and Mommy likely faced before making the decision to adopt. I'm scared because I don't want him to be angry with me for asking. I'm scared because we didn't openly discuss adoption in my family and I don't know if that's because THEY didn't want to talk about it or because I NEVER ASKED!

So please, Please, PLEASE...whatever AP's are reading who want to "get it" and want to "do the right thing" for their children....PLEASE discuss adoption with your children! No matter how hard it is for YOU, just remember how much harder it is for your child! They have the weight of being perfect, of not hurting Mommy and Daddy, on their shoulders. YOU are the adult...allow your child to be a child. Don't place the adult burden of seeking their OWN information on them when they are so young. Talk about it. Allow them to live it. It IS who they are...it IS how they joined the family! PUSH for it to be real...PUSH for it to be discussed!

In these last few years of research,I have never ONCE heard an adoptee express that their parents talked TOO much about adoption. I HAVE, however, heard on more than one occasion, adoptees express pain and sadness that adoption was NOT discussed more openly and honestly in their home.

So, the gravity of what I accomplished on Monday is finally sinking in! At 35 years old I finally said "I have a right to know and I HAVE A RIGHT TO ASK!" If only my parents had made it easier for me........