Friday, July 18, 2008

I Wonder....

....If my Natural Mom really DID love me. Like REALLY love me. The way a Mom is supposed to love her child. Or, like Juno, did she just view me as a "ball of cells", an "it"? I have seen more than one teenager get pregnant and choose to parent her child. I have seen these same teenagers become young adults almost instantaneously as they look into the eyes of their innocent and helpless newborn baby! Babies do miraculous things to those young women so many consider too young, too immature, to poor... So I just wonder if the same was true for MY Mom? Did her life and priorities change when I was born? Did she truly love me with that same love that I see these young women, who were equally not ready to be parents, give to their babies?

....If my Natural Mom made the decision to relinquish me in her own time, in her own way, on her own terms. Was she coerced? Convinced that she was failing me by some government bureaucracy? Was I taken away by cover of darkness? Dragged out of her arms as she pleaded for one more chance? Or did she just throw her hands up in surrender and relish the thought of a future without the burden of ME? What was that day like for her? For me? Were we happy? Sad? Overwhelmed? Relieved?

....What happened my first 2 years of life, in which my Mom chose to parent me. Was I a good baby? A happy baby? Did I cry a lot? Did I make her life stressful? Did she nurse me? Hug me? Hold me? Tickle me? Did we giggle with one another and make each other smile? Did I know her as Mommy? Who was she to me, and who was I to her?

....About my personality, my character traits, my talents, my looks, my history. Who do I look like? Who do I take after? Where did I get my musical talents? Where did I get my red hair and freckles? Why am I shy, quiet, introverted? Was my personality formed through nature or nurture? Am I anxious, fearful, worried as a result of my adoption and those things that happened later in my life or as a result of heredity? Do I love to laugh, play, have fun because I was born with those genes or because the parents who raised me did so in a carefree, fun-loving manner?

....If my Mom thinks about me, wants to know me, told anyone about me. Did she move on with her life? Did she graduate from High School? College? Did she have other children? Get married? Divorced? Married again? Is she even alive? Has she tried looking for me? If I were to find her would she welcome me into her life and her family or would she request no future contact? Where is she? Who is she? Is she still my Mom or is she just a woman who happened to give birth to me 34 years ago and has since forgotten about that part of her life?

....If I have any siblings. Do they know about me? Were they too relinquished for adoption never to be known or heard from again?

....About my grandparents. Do they know about me? Did they try to help raise me? Did they encourage my Mom to parent? Or did they lean her toward relinquishment? Did they love me and spoil me the way grandparents do or was I a burden to the entire family?

....About my Natural Dad. Did he EVER know about me? Did he care? Where is he? Who is he? What happened? Does he think about me or has he long since forgotten I ever existed?

....Why? Soooo many why's they cannot even be covered in this single post. Why was I relinquished? Why after 2 years rather than immediately after I was born? Why did my Mom not fight to keep me, to raise me, to love me?

The WONDER of it makes my head spin and daily brings tears to my eyes! Will I ever learn the answers to my questions? Or will I be left to wonder? I guess, as with so many other questions in our lives...only time will tell........................


Unicorns Never Fly... said...

I WONDERED all of those things for so long. The weird thing was I did so much wondering about my birthmother (my chosen label) and had fewer thoughts about my birthfather. I thought about him of course, but in a different way. As it turns out, I look like him. I think like him. I have some of the same interests and talents of him. Not so much her. This fact works out well for me, since I now have a relationship with him. She is not into having one, and that is okay too.

These Are The Days said...

I am anxious to read your blog. I have a 19 month old daughter who was brought to us through adoption. Please visit my blog and read our adoption story. :)

d28bob said...

Welcome to cardiac surfing! Or the roller coaster. There's only one thing worse than finding out the truth and dealing with it - and that's not knowing. For me, I had to wait until the pain of not knowing overcame my fears and anxieties about searching.

It took me 58 years and the deaths of my adoptive parents to finally open that door. What I've discovered the past year has been terrible and wonderful - and meant rethinking everything I've always believed.

I only wish I had had the strength do this many years ago. I already missed knowing my sister just by weeks before she died...