As I have already written, I entered the realm of adoption research with very little knowledge of the AA world. I never defined my adulthood by my adoption. I certainly told people I was adopted, especially when discussing unique characteristics or personality traits. However, when introducing myself to someone or even having a conversation with someone who already knew I was adopted, I NEVER thought to refer to myself as an "Adult Adoptee". In fact, I never heard the term "Adult Adoptee" until I began my adoption research. I was one of those "politically incorrect" adoptees who referred to my b-parents as my "real" parents or "bio" parents and my a-parents simply as my parents. Before now, if I chose to talk about myself as being adopted I would refer to myself as an "adopted child" (gasp....horror, I know)! I never thought to connect any of my personality traits to my adoption. I never assessed my behavior or attitude enough to wonder why I might behave or act the way I did. Nor did I ever question my reactions (or lack thereof) to the different aspects of my adoption experience. That is...until now!
I am beginning to wonder if there are thoughts and feelings that perhaps I have always felt deep inside but never allowed to surface. Even within some of my posts on this blog I see an evolution of thought and emotion as I begin to express my feelings about my own adoption. I am finding that I will start a post or blog entry with one opinion before ending almost 180 degrees from where I started. Usually I don't bother going back to change my original statement because I like to see my own metamorphosis as it occurs. I will often begin by stating that something never bothered me or that I never even thought of such a thing and then by the time I conclude my post I'm writing in a way that reveals to me that I actually have been affected by the very thing I said wasn't an issue. I find this whole process very interesting while at the same time somewhat frustrating. I like to have control of my emotions, yet when I begin sharing information about a particular event or circumstance that occurred in my life I feel as if I am losing control of that emotion, writing things that I never even knew were part of me.
Ultimately, I have discovered a lot about myself in the 6 short months that I have been on this journey. Some things I already knew and have just validated. Other things are completely foreign and I am just beginning to figure out how to express them and deal with them. No matter what, I will continue to view my adoption as a positive experience. I am learning that there are some things that could have been done differently yet I will never question that all parties involved, including my b-parents, my a-parents, and even the adoption agency had my best interest at heart. And for that I will always be thankful!
3 years ago