I Wonder....

....If my Natural Mom really DID love me. Like REALLY love me. The way a Mom is supposed to love her child. Or, like Juno, did she just view me as a "ball of cells", an "it"? I have seen more than one teenager get pregnant and choose to parent her child. I have seen these same teenagers become young adults almost instantaneously as they look into the eyes of their innocent and helpless newborn baby! Babies do miraculous things to those young women so many consider too young, too immature, to poor... So I just wonder if the same was true for MY Mom? Did her life and priorities change when I was born? Did she truly love me with that same love that I see these young women, who were equally not ready to be parents, give to their babies?

....If my Natural Mom made the decision to relinquish me in her own time, in her own way, on her own terms. Was she coerced? Convinced that she was failing me by some government bureaucracy? Was I taken away by cover of darkness? Dragged out of her arms as she pleaded for one more chance? Or did she just throw her hands up in surrender and relish the thought of a future without the burden of ME? What was that day like for her? For me? Were we happy? Sad? Overwhelmed? Relieved?

....What happened my first 2 years of life, in which my Mom chose to parent me. Was I a good baby? A happy baby? Did I cry a lot? Did I make her life stressful? Did she nurse me? Hug me? Hold me? Tickle me? Did we giggle with one another and make each other smile? Did I know her as Mommy? Who was she to me, and who was I to her?

....About my personality, my character traits, my talents, my looks, my history. Who do I look like? Who do I take after? Where did I get my musical talents? Where did I get my red hair and freckles? Why am I shy, quiet, introverted? Was my personality formed through nature or nurture? Am I anxious, fearful, worried as a result of my adoption and those things that happened later in my life or as a result of heredity? Do I love to laugh, play, have fun because I was born with those genes or because the parents who raised me did so in a carefree, fun-loving manner?

....If my Mom thinks about me, wants to know me, told anyone about me. Did she move on with her life? Did she graduate from High School? College? Did she have other children? Get married? Divorced? Married again? Is she even alive? Has she tried looking for me? If I were to find her would she welcome me into her life and her family or would she request no future contact? Where is she? Who is she? Is she still my Mom or is she just a woman who happened to give birth to me 34 years ago and has since forgotten about that part of her life?

....If I have any siblings. Do they know about me? Were they too relinquished for adoption never to be known or heard from again?

....About my grandparents. Do they know about me? Did they try to help raise me? Did they encourage my Mom to parent? Or did they lean her toward relinquishment? Did they love me and spoil me the way grandparents do or was I a burden to the entire family?

....About my Natural Dad. Did he EVER know about me? Did he care? Where is he? Who is he? What happened? Does he think about me or has he long since forgotten I ever existed?

....Why? Soooo many why's they cannot even be covered in this single post. Why was I relinquished? Why after 2 years rather than immediately after I was born? Why did my Mom not fight to keep me, to raise me, to love me?

The WONDER of it all....it makes my head spin and daily brings tears to my eyes! Will I ever learn the answers to my questions? Or will I be left to wonder? I guess, as with so many other questions in our lives...only time will tell........................

What It Means to Be Adopted

I used to think it meant love - an amazing love shown to me both by my Natural Mom and by my a-parents. I used to think it meant chosen and special - a precious gift meant-to-be for a family longing desperately for a child to call their own. I used to think it meant happiness, joy, laughter, and fun - things I never would have felt were I not adopted. I used to think it meant honor and privilege - I received something those less fortunate than I never had the opportunity to experience - the love of a family who truly wanted me and who was more capable, thanks to maturity, marriage, and money, of caring for me than the adolescent who gave birth to me.

I used to think a lot of warm, fuzzy thoughts about being adopted. And sure, many people might still argue that those things listed above are still true. But as I've aged and as I entered the arena of adoption for the 2nd time in my life (this time by choice) I've learned that being adopted means SO much more than what I used to think.

Being adopted means...

Losing my family
Losing my history, both personal AND medical
Losing my identity with people who look like me, sound like me, SMELL like me, act like me
Losing the right to MY own documents, including a factual Birth Certificate naming the woman who gave birth to me as my mother
Depression
Sadness
Loneliness
Pain
Heartache
Grief
Loss
Shame
Self-loathing
Disappointment
Burdening others with my own desire to know more and have more
Searching not only for answers about my life prior to my adoption, but also searching for who I am and who I might yet become
Guilt for wanting more and for not always feeling grateful to my a-parents for rescuing me from a life "on the streets"
Fear of hurting the people I love including my husband, my daughter, my a-Dad, my Natural Mom
Fear of the unknown and of what I might find should I ever choose to search
Looking at my daughter every day KNOWING that someday, if not already, she too will experience these same feelings of loss, depression, sadness, loneliness, pain, heartache, grief, shame, self-loathing, disappointment, guilt, and fear

No, adoption has not ruined my life. My life is a roller coaster. There are ups and there are downs, as with anyone's life, whether they were adopted or not. Some days I hurt more than others and experience more negatives than positives when viewing my life as an adoptee. Other days I carry on barely spending a moment's thought on adoption.

It's a double-edged sword, really. I once wrote that I have chosen to not let my adoption define who I am. I have now come to the conclusion that I am, in reality, the person that I am today because I was adopted. I LIVE adoption. I BREATHE adoption. I AM adoption. I see it, hear it, KNOW it every time I look in the mirror, every time I look at my daughter. I love who I am, what I have become. I thank adoption for that. I hate how I feel, what I think. I thank adoption for that, too.

UGH...I Finally Saw Juno

I finally saw Juno yesterday. For whatever reason I had been wanting to see it. I read the spoiler...I knew how it ended but still I just HAD to see what all the hype was about! It was a little like a train wreck...I kind of knew it would be bad but I just couldn't look away!

The short of it...I HATED IT!!!! LOATHED!!! DESPISED!!!! It left me heartbroken and SICK!!!! I've barely thought of anything else since watching it yesterday and I HATE THAT!!!! I've been away from the Adult Adoptee forum I visit for quite some time because I found myself feeling things I didn't enjoy feeling. I think things there are just a little TOO honest for me and I'm just not quite ready for that! I was safe and comfortable in my dream world before finding that forum and then all of a sudden I started seeing things within myself that I never knew existed...feelings and emotions I never knew were there! And I HATED THAT!!! I felt like a different person. Like someone I didn't even recognize. So I stopped going there! And life was good (don't get me wrong...I LOVE it there but I just CAN'T be there as much as I was before)! And then I went and watched this stupid movie!!!!

DH even asked, after the movie was over, why I wanted to see it! He thought, before we even went, that I would have a problem with the age of the character (she is 16 and my natural Mom was 14). He was afraid I would make a closer connection than even I realized I would make! Yet still we saw it. And I didn't cry...I didn't shed a tear. I sat there in disbelief at the callous language, feeling that dagger in my back twist with every reference to "it". I wanted...no...LONGED for Juno to just ONCE speak lovingly about the child she was carrying! All of a sudden, before I knew what was happening, I was hearing those words come out of her mouth as if she were speaking ABOUT ME!!! For the rest of the movie I sat there imagining how my natural mother talked about ME when she was pregnant. And my dream world just crumbled right around me! Sure, I wouldn't expect anything less from a pregnant teenager. But before seeing this movie I hadn't allowed myself to view that part of my life as a reality.

Going into this movie I thought I would have a much more difficult time with the natural mother references. I thought this movie would be more directed at the decisions Juno had to make and what influenced her to make the decisions she made. And yes...I left ticked off at her final decision and the idea that no one was REALLY there to help her! Sure, her BFF and step-Mom went with her to the doctor and were with her in the delivery room, but where was the HELP?! The real, professional, unbiased help?! Why wasn't there anyone there to tell her that if she wanted she COULD raise this baby just as well as the single woman to whom she gave him?! I found it despicable!

I DID find the character believable and the acting very well done! Obviously, just a bit TOO well done, considering I was unable to separate the movie from MY real-life!!! And it made me sad! I hated the story for the story! I couldn't say whether it should have been written any differently to shed a truer light on any particular experience because I have never walked in a natural parent's shoes. All I can say is from the perspective of an adoptee, it HURT!!! It hurt a lot!!!

"Adoptees Did You Want to Search for Your Bio Family?"

The title of this post was the subject line of a forum thread I visited recently. The author was indicating that she would support her adopted children in searching for their natural family, should the interest ever arise. In fact her statement was: "i wonder if they will want to search for thier bio family. If so it is fine by us." Not a real warm and fuzzy feeling to me. I couldn't quite figure out if she was asking for an opinion or just stating her own intentions. As a result, I posted the following response...

I would like to KNOW my natural family but I have not and probably will NOT search. There are several factors influencing my decision....

1) At the age when I would have been most interested in searching my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She lived with it for 10 years! I could not imagine, during that time, going to her and asking for any information to help in my search for fear that she might think I was already looking to replace her.

2) After my Mom passed away there was no way I could go to my Dad and ask him for any information for the exact same reason as above...fear that he might think I was trying to find a replacement for my Mom.

MORE IMPORTANTLY THAN ANYTHING....

3) Concern for my natural mom's right to privacy. She was 14 years old when she gave birth to me. She was 16 years old when she relinquished me. 31 years have since passed. My hope and prayer for her is that she found someone to love her, got married, and started a family, moving on from the pain and sadness I presume she felt after making an adoption plan. It is within her right as my Mother to keep my existence to herself and not share it with her family, and as her daughter I owe her the right to maintain that confidentiality without blindsiding her or her family. Does that make sense? Basically I am saying that if she has chosen not to share with her family that she had a child who she relinquished for adoption then who am I to barge into her life and her family to announce my existence?!

4) Finally, FEAR...fear of what I might find should I search! Fear that she might be dead. Fear of rejection. Fear of breaking her heart all over again. Fear of opening old wounds that have long since healed, with only a faint scar as a reminder. Fear of who she might be and where she might be and what she might be (sometimes the fantasy is WAY better than real life). Fear...the worst reason of all to not search yet in my mind, perhaps the most REAL and HONEST reason!

Please keep in mind that those are the reasons that I have chosen not to search. They might be good reasons or they might NOT be good reasons, but they are MY reasons nonetheless.

BUT...also keep in mind that my reasons for not searching do NOT mean I don't want to KNOW!!! Should my natural Mom EVER choose to search for me and then find me, I would welcome her into my life with open arms! While inconceivable to me, I love a woman I have never met (OK...I met her and knew her for 2 years of my life...I just don't remember). I would love to meet her and know about her and her life since I've been gone. I cannot tell you what a blessing it would have been in my life had someone taken my hand, as you have the ability to do with your 2 children, and supported me in sorting through my feelings and ultimately searching for my Mother. YOU have that power with your adopted children.

My response to you is don't wait for THEM to come to you asking for help to search. Talk about it, plant the seed, make it clear from the beginning that this is something YOU support and YOU encourage and YOU will be there to help with WHEN (not IF) they are ready! The ball was put in my court as a teenager. IF I ever wanted more information my parents would help me. Problem is...the ball was in MY court and MY court was one full of guilt and fear and confusion and concern for OTHERS rather than myself! Ultimately those feelings won and I have never been able to build up enough courage to ask. So instead, I sit as an adult wondering...thinking about who she is and realizing that 2 years of my life are gone, never to be found again! All because I had a choice very few, if any, adopted CHILDREN would ever take. Choose to hurt my parents for my own gain? Or choose to continue living my life not knowing? The choice was easy. I can deal with my own pain but I can NOT deal with hurting someone else!

My plea to you is DON'T give your children the CHOICE!!! Don't put that pressure on them! When they are old enough just talk about it, make it real, and make them aware that they are not being asked to make a choice between hurting you or helping themselves. That there is NO choice for them to make...that you KNOW they want to search and that when they are ready you will be by their sides helping them in that search

I hope my response helps some other adoptive families as they consider whether to support their children in searching for their natural family! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for an adoptee to know that the people they fear hurting the most will be standing right by their side and holding their hands as they make this difficult step forward in their adoption journey!

A Name? Or is it a Label?

I have come to realize that there are many different names by which people choose to call the woman who gave birth to them or to the child they adopted. I have even occasionally found myself somewhat caught up in the great terminology debate. As a child and young teenager I would often refer to my natural mom as my "real" mom. Not to take anything away from my adoptive mom...it was just the easiest way for me to distinguish between the two if I ever found myself in a conversation about my adoption. I must have eventually realized how demeaning such a term could be to my adoptive parents because at some point I began referring to my natural mom as my "biological" mom. It made sense to me...I was connected to her through biology so naturally she was my biological mom. And then I began the adoption process.

In the adoption classes DH and I attended we learned that the "proper" way to refer to a natural mom is to call her a "birth" mom. Again, this sort of made sense. She gave birth to the baby (me) so it seemed perfectly acceptable and appropriate to refer to her as birth mom. As you can see in my early posts on this blog, I embraced the term birth mom, even shortening it for the sake of writing, to b-Mom.

However, I soon realized that even the term "birth" mom resulted in negating a very important person's role in the whole adoption process. By simply calling her "birth" mom I am merely giving her credit for the birth. I am taking away from the effort she put into protecting me and raising me for 9 months while in her womb. I am also taking away from the natural instinct she felt as a parent...that instinct to nurture me, love me, and then make the hardest decision she probably ever made in her life. I am taking away from the grief she felt in making such a decision due to her natural connection to ME! Thus, I chose to begin referring to this very important woman, both in relation to me and to the child I am adopting (C), as our "natural" mom. And this feels a LITTLE better to me, but not entirely right either.

You see, I have decided that the only thing any of these names do is LABEL a person! A person to whom I have a very personal and direct connection. And it seems so IMpersonal and cold to constantly refer to someone using a label. I feel the same way when speaking about people of a different race or culture. Why must a person's position always be labeled? Why can't a person just be a person? We don't refer to the Moms of children NOT placed for adoption as "natural" mom or "birth" mom or "real" mom. Just...MOM! So why must we do so when referring to a child's mother...the woman who sustained life and then bore that life into the world? It seems preposterous to me. And I refuse to participate in it any longer.

From this point forward, when referring to C's Mom I will use her NAME!!! Because you know what?! SHE HAS A NAME and in order to honor her and her memory in her daughter's life I MUST refer to her using her name! When speaking of my own "natural" Mom, since I do not have a name, I will call her my Mom. I owe her that much. She loved me enough to give ME a name and to care for me for 2 years. In doing something so simple as calling her my Mom, I at least recognize those sacrifices she made as my Mom, if even for a short time.

Thankful for Life?

Several weeks ago, a thread popped up on an adoptee forum I visit. The author of the thread, an adoptee herself, offered to adoptees a suggestion for how we might celebrate November's National Adoption month. Her suggestion? To share our adoption testimonies while emphasizing our gratitude for our natural mothers choosing life over abortion. For the first time ever, another person, another fellow adoptee, telling me how I ought to feel about my life and my adoption really rubbed me the wrong way. This was an interesting experience for me. Immediately, upon reading her post, all those things that I once accepted and even believed for myself suddenly felt wrong.

As a teenager the concept that my natural mother had every right to terminate her pregnancy often occurred to me, and privately, inwardly I felt thankful that she chose for me to live. However, it never occurred to me that I should be pro-life for that reason...for my own gratitude at being given an opportunity to walk on this Earth. I resent being told that I SHOULD be pro-life for that reason. And I resent even more the concept that someone would use MY story to further THEIR agenda; the suggestion that I "be a voice for the unborn" because of my own experiences.

I will say right now, just for the record...I AM pro-life. BUT, I am pro-life because I believe in the sanctity of life, not because I am thankful I wasn't aborted. I agree with a natural mom's view that "abortion is an alternative to pregnancy while adoption is an alternative to parenting". Abortion is NOT, in most cases, an alternative to parenting, which means very few pregnant women who question their ability to parent consider abortion as a means to prevent parenthood. I say this merely because I do not believe my natural mom EVER considered an abortion. While it would have been legal for her to do so I believe her first instinct WAS to parent. I would imagine that the thought of abortion never even crossed her mind. So, to suggest that I be thankful for her choosing life seems preposterous to me.

The concept of ending a life just to eliminate the need to parent is ridiculous and I truly believe it happens very rarely. Women who choose to relinquish their child for adoption LOVE their baby with all their heart and soul. And they mourn the loss of that baby to adoption, oftentimes regretting their decision. I believe, perhaps naively, that the idea of terminating their pregnancy is about the furthest thing from their mind. They don't have an interest in aborting. They have an interest and a concern in their baby living a life, that sadly, they feel they can't provide. That does NOT mean they feel that the only alternative to parenting themselves is abortion.

I believe that a mother has an innate ability and DESIRE to be a parent and to protect her child. For that reason I will NOT show gratitude for my natural mother choosing life! It was her responsibility to do so as MY MOTHER! She and I were bonded together as mother and daughter for 9 months, and as my mother she took responsibility for my life during that time (and for 2 years after that). I consider her decision to carry me to term no different than if my adoptive mother stepped out in front of a car to protect me. As my natural mother it was her responsibility to protect me! I should NEVER be made to feel grateful to her for accepting that responsibility and BEING my mother!

Where To Begin?

As is evident, I stepped away from blogging for a little while. Initially my reasoning was a lack of time or even interest. Actually, I just couldn't think of anything worth writing about. I read so many other adoptee and natural parent's blogs that are so well written and that exude such heart and soul through every word that my little old blog just felt somewhat insignificant. I began questioning my own relevance in this arena. Sure, I'm an adoptee as well as an up and coming AP, but I'm just a baby in my thoughts and feelings as they relate to adoption. It seems kind of strange to think that anyone would be interested in reading the evolution of MY thoughts and feelings as they relate to adoption.

I then reached a point where I thought I might come back to address some thoughts that were starting to overwhelm me, but then I became concerned that my blog would become something different from what I originally intended it to be. Originally I wanted my blog to be a way for me to share the positives of adoption, however, all of a sudden, I was finding myself wondering if there ARE any positives. I had a few days in which doubt and fear overtook me and I questioned if there was something wrong with me for feeling a certain way or even for NOT feeling a certain way. I finally chalked my feelings up to a continuing metamorphosis that within a couple days I was willing to acknowledge to myself was all a part of the process and certainly was not an indicator that I might be going crazy!!!

The funny thing is that since backing away nearly 4 months ago, I recently reached a point when I thought I might be ready to return, but there is now SO much in my brain that I wish to share I don't even know where to begin. In the past 4 months I have read and heard so many thoughts and comments related to adoption that have sparked such interest and a need to share my own opinions that I fear I might forget them all before I even get started. So, at this point I think I'm back. I'm still wondering where I might begin. Perhaps with a blogroll?! As I wrote above, I read so many other people's blogs that really have helped me in my grasping of some of the issues in today's adoption world, that I feel I should, at some point, give credit to those bloggers.

Again, I'm not sure where to begin, but here are some topics that within the next few weeks I hope to touch on, at least briefly (I'm only doing this so I don't forget):
Adoption vs. Abortion
Thoughts regarding natural parents (so much here that I don't even know where to begin in this topic alone)
Bonding and Attachment
The evolution of my own thoughts both as an adoptee and as a potential AP
Adoption Ethics and how the importance of this in my life has changed
The POSITIVES of adoption
More about MY story and why my own feelings about adoption have changed
Sharing my a-brother's story and what I believe went wrong in his adoption

So, I think I have plenty of topics to provide me with several new blog posts. If any jump out at you about which you are really curious to read my thoughts let me know (I know...I know...I'm using my readers to help me get started). Until then, I think I'm going to briefly touch on the one topic that really got my feathers ruffled just a few short weeks ago!