Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Progress

The psychologist finally called at a time when I was home and actually answered the phone.....

I have an appointment scheduled for this week!

I think I feel relief right now but I'm sure come Thursday afternoon my anxiety will hit an all-time high! Funny thing is I was most nervous about the phone conversation because I was afraid she would ask me why I felt I needed to see her. While I have a list a mile long I just kept invalidating MYSELF and telling myself that she would simply tell me, over the phone, that there is nothing wrong with me and that it would be a waste of my time and hers to meet. To my surprise she asked me no such questions. I had talked myself out of calling her for the longest time for this simple reason and it never even became a factor. Such is my life......I psych myself out of the simplest things for irrational reasons that obviously never come to fruition! And then I wonder if my need to see a psychologist is real.... LOL!

Please Don't Assume.....

.....that my sometimes negative opinions of adoption are because I had a bad adoption experience!

Life with my AP's was wonderful! I loved them...they loved me! I miss my a-Mom terribly since she passed away in 2003! I worry daily about my a-Dad and his health and know that he too will leave a huge hole in my heart when he is gone.

But no...my AP's and my life in their home was NOT perfect. They made many of the same mistakes as parents raising biological children. I certainly can point to some of their mistakes as possible reasons for my sometimes neurotic personality and negative feelings about adoption. But I also know that not all my opinions about adoption ARE based on my own experiences. A lot of my opinions are based on ethics (or the lack thereof), the treatment and eventual coercion of many natural parents to give their children up for adoption, and what, after truly digging deep within my soul, I decided is right and wrong with the system as a whole. Very few of my opinions are based on PERSONAL experience!

So....if I post an idea or concept foreign to AP's, please do not ask for an explanation or wait for a personal story to support that opinion before accepting it as valid or rational.

All adoptions are different. All circumstances leading up to adoption are different. All adoptive families are different. All adoptees are different. Some adoptees feel more strongly about certain topics than others. For some this is based on personal experience. For others this is based on research. For still others this is based on conscience and inner struggles.

The feelings of adoptees should not need substantiation in order to be deemed real and honest. If an adoptee chooses to provide evidence to support their opinion then that is up to the adoptee. If the next adoptee chooses to just voice an opinion without offering personal experience as proof, AP's need to still accept those feelings as true and in turn respect the adoptee for sharing those thoughts!

Adoptees do not demand personal stories from AP's to support their positive opinions of adoption. Why should AP's not afford adoptees the same respect?!

If You Don't Want to Know.....

.....DON'T ASK!

I am so sick and tired of AP's who ask for adoptee opinions regarding certain subjects who then either disagree with that opinion, discredit that opinion by citing the thousands of adoptees they know who DON'T feel the same way, or who completely ignore the opinion once posted.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR **MY** TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION THEN DON'T ASK ME FOR MY OPINION CUZ YOU JUST MIGHT NOT LIKE THE ANSWER!!!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ANSWER YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT BECAUSE IT'S **MY** ANSWER BASED ON **MY** EXPERIENCES, **MY** LIFE, **MY** WORLD, AS **I** SEE IT! YOU DON'T LIKE IT? YOU WANT THE RAINBOWS AND PUPPY DOGS, HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER VERSION? TOUGH!

Feeling Stuck

My life seems to be in a rut right now.

The excitement and relief I felt at my a-Dad's response to my e-mail about searching for my Mom lasted about 2 days. I discovered I need a notary for the form from NY requesting non-ID info and just have not moved forward since. I hate that I was so excited and then *poof* - it's gone.

I sent an e-mail to a psychologist, never heard back from her and never followed up. DH called her for me 2 weeks ago, she returned the call, leaving a message with DH for me to call her back. I finally worked up the nerve to call her back, left a message for her to call me, she called the same day, leaving a message with DH AGAIN for me to call her back. That was last Thursday. I have yet to call her. For me to call ANYONE takes such an act of courage and I really have to get my psyche in the right place, and it was there....LAST THURSDAY. Today......not so much.

Laundry has piled up...2 bathrooms need to be cleaned...toys are everywhere...the freezer is empty.......I go in spurts that last about 6 hours. I get as much as humanly possible accomplished in 6 hours, collapse in a state of exhaustion, patting myself on the back for a job well done, and then in celebration, put off getting to the next chore for 2 weeks, while things continue to pile up around me.

I feel like I'm in a terrible cycle that just keeps getting worse and worse the longer I neglect it. With every passing day I feel like my list for the psychologist gets longer and longer and yet my drive to call her and actually set something up comes and goes.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything normal again. I'm not sure where that "normal" would begin. At birth? At my adoption? At marriage? At the death of my a-Mom? At the adoption of my daughter? I just don't know. I just feel STUCK!