A Name? Or is it a Label?

I have come to realize that there are many different names by which people choose to call the woman who gave birth to them or to the child they adopted. I have even occasionally found myself somewhat caught up in the great terminology debate. As a child and young teenager I would often refer to my natural mom as my "real" mom. Not to take anything away from my adoptive mom...it was just the easiest way for me to distinguish between the two if I ever found myself in a conversation about my adoption. I must have eventually realized how demeaning such a term could be to my adoptive parents because at some point I began referring to my natural mom as my "biological" mom. It made sense to me...I was connected to her through biology so naturally she was my biological mom. And then I began the adoption process.

In the adoption classes DH and I attended we learned that the "proper" way to refer to a natural mom is to call her a "birth" mom. Again, this sort of made sense. She gave birth to the baby (me) so it seemed perfectly acceptable and appropriate to refer to her as birth mom. As you can see in my early posts on this blog, I embraced the term birth mom, even shortening it for the sake of writing, to b-Mom.

However, I soon realized that even the term "birth" mom resulted in negating a very important person's role in the whole adoption process. By simply calling her "birth" mom I am merely giving her credit for the birth. I am taking away from the effort she put into protecting me and raising me for 9 months while in her womb. I am also taking away from the natural instinct she felt as a parent...that instinct to nurture me, love me, and then make the hardest decision she probably ever made in her life. I am taking away from the grief she felt in making such a decision due to her natural connection to ME! Thus, I chose to begin referring to this very important woman, both in relation to me and to the child I am adopting (C), as our "natural" mom. And this feels a LITTLE better to me, but not entirely right either.

You see, I have decided that the only thing any of these names do is LABEL a person! A person to whom I have a very personal and direct connection. And it seems so IMpersonal and cold to constantly refer to someone using a label. I feel the same way when speaking about people of a different race or culture. Why must a person's position always be labeled? Why can't a person just be a person? We don't refer to the Moms of children NOT placed for adoption as "natural" mom or "birth" mom or "real" mom. Just...MOM! So why must we do so when referring to a child's mother...the woman who sustained life and then bore that life into the world? It seems preposterous to me. And I refuse to participate in it any longer.

From this point forward, when referring to C's Mom I will use her NAME!!! Because you know what?! SHE HAS A NAME and in order to honor her and her memory in her daughter's life I MUST refer to her using her name! When speaking of my own "natural" Mom, since I do not have a name, I will call her my Mom. I owe her that much. She loved me enough to give ME a name and to care for me for 2 years. In doing something so simple as calling her my Mom, I at least recognize those sacrifices she made as my Mom, if even for a short time.

Thankful for Life?

Several weeks ago, a thread popped up on an adoptee forum I visit. The author of the thread, an adoptee herself, offered to adoptees a suggestion for how we might celebrate November's National Adoption month. Her suggestion? To share our adoption testimonies while emphasizing our gratitude for our natural mothers choosing life over abortion. For the first time ever, another person, another fellow adoptee, telling me how I ought to feel about my life and my adoption really rubbed me the wrong way. This was an interesting experience for me. Immediately, upon reading her post, all those things that I once accepted and even believed for myself suddenly felt wrong.

As a teenager the concept that my natural mother had every right to terminate her pregnancy often occurred to me, and privately, inwardly I felt thankful that she chose for me to live. However, it never occurred to me that I should be pro-life for that reason...for my own gratitude at being given an opportunity to walk on this Earth. I resent being told that I SHOULD be pro-life for that reason. And I resent even more the concept that someone would use MY story to further THEIR agenda; the suggestion that I "be a voice for the unborn" because of my own experiences.

I will say right now, just for the record...I AM pro-life. BUT, I am pro-life because I believe in the sanctity of life, not because I am thankful I wasn't aborted. I agree with a natural mom's view that "abortion is an alternative to pregnancy while adoption is an alternative to parenting". Abortion is NOT, in most cases, an alternative to parenting, which means very few pregnant women who question their ability to parent consider abortion as a means to prevent parenthood. I say this merely because I do not believe my natural mom EVER considered an abortion. While it would have been legal for her to do so I believe her first instinct WAS to parent. I would imagine that the thought of abortion never even crossed her mind. So, to suggest that I be thankful for her choosing life seems preposterous to me.

The concept of ending a life just to eliminate the need to parent is ridiculous and I truly believe it happens very rarely. Women who choose to relinquish their child for adoption LOVE their baby with all their heart and soul. And they mourn the loss of that baby to adoption, oftentimes regretting their decision. I believe, perhaps naively, that the idea of terminating their pregnancy is about the furthest thing from their mind. They don't have an interest in aborting. They have an interest and a concern in their baby living a life, that sadly, they feel they can't provide. That does NOT mean they feel that the only alternative to parenting themselves is abortion.

I believe that a mother has an innate ability and DESIRE to be a parent and to protect her child. For that reason I will NOT show gratitude for my natural mother choosing life! It was her responsibility to do so as MY MOTHER! She and I were bonded together as mother and daughter for 9 months, and as my mother she took responsibility for my life during that time (and for 2 years after that). I consider her decision to carry me to term no different than if my adoptive mother stepped out in front of a car to protect me. As my natural mother it was her responsibility to protect me! I should NEVER be made to feel grateful to her for accepting that responsibility and BEING my mother!

Where To Begin?

As is evident, I stepped away from blogging for a little while. Initially my reasoning was a lack of time or even interest. Actually, I just couldn't think of anything worth writing about. I read so many other adoptee and natural parent's blogs that are so well written and that exude such heart and soul through every word that my little old blog just felt somewhat insignificant. I began questioning my own relevance in this arena. Sure, I'm an adoptee as well as an up and coming AP, but I'm just a baby in my thoughts and feelings as they relate to adoption. It seems kind of strange to think that anyone would be interested in reading the evolution of MY thoughts and feelings as they relate to adoption.

I then reached a point where I thought I might come back to address some thoughts that were starting to overwhelm me, but then I became concerned that my blog would become something different from what I originally intended it to be. Originally I wanted my blog to be a way for me to share the positives of adoption, however, all of a sudden, I was finding myself wondering if there ARE any positives. I had a few days in which doubt and fear overtook me and I questioned if there was something wrong with me for feeling a certain way or even for NOT feeling a certain way. I finally chalked my feelings up to a continuing metamorphosis that within a couple days I was willing to acknowledge to myself was all a part of the process and certainly was not an indicator that I might be going crazy!!!

The funny thing is that since backing away nearly 4 months ago, I recently reached a point when I thought I might be ready to return, but there is now SO much in my brain that I wish to share I don't even know where to begin. In the past 4 months I have read and heard so many thoughts and comments related to adoption that have sparked such interest and a need to share my own opinions that I fear I might forget them all before I even get started. So, at this point I think I'm back. I'm still wondering where I might begin. Perhaps with a blogroll?! As I wrote above, I read so many other people's blogs that really have helped me in my grasping of some of the issues in today's adoption world, that I feel I should, at some point, give credit to those bloggers.

Again, I'm not sure where to begin, but here are some topics that within the next few weeks I hope to touch on, at least briefly (I'm only doing this so I don't forget):
Adoption vs. Abortion
Thoughts regarding natural parents (so much here that I don't even know where to begin in this topic alone)
Bonding and Attachment
The evolution of my own thoughts both as an adoptee and as a potential AP
Adoption Ethics and how the importance of this in my life has changed
The POSITIVES of adoption
More about MY story and why my own feelings about adoption have changed
Sharing my a-brother's story and what I believe went wrong in his adoption

So, I think I have plenty of topics to provide me with several new blog posts. If any jump out at you about which you are really curious to read my thoughts let me know (I know...I know...I'm using my readers to help me get started). Until then, I think I'm going to briefly touch on the one topic that really got my feathers ruffled just a few short weeks ago!

Learning Lessons While Avoiding Mistakes

As I come closer to ending my time as Potential a-parent and entering the realm of a-parent, I have become increasingly aware of those things that I experienced as a child that I intend to avoid as a parent. Below are a list of things my a-parents did in raising my a-brother and me that I wish to repeat and those things that I hope to do differently.

Those Things I Wish to Repeat
1) My a-parents never expected me to be like them nor did they try to turn me into something I wasn't. At a rather early age I showed a propensity for music...something which neither of my a-parents shared. Despite their own interests, my gift and love for music was fed, and watered, and given the sunlight it needed to grow. To this day it amazes me how supportive they were of my own musical endeavors when they, themselves had very little interest or talent in it.
2) My a-parents showed me the true meaning of unconditional love. They were very forgiving. They allowed for mistakes and did not hold it against me when I made them.
3) Family time was more important than money! While some families practically hoard their money, my a-parents chose to spend their money on family outings and vacations. I know there is a lot of stigma associated with a-parents and their use of money to "buy" their a-child's affection but in our case the money was always used to enhance family time, and I am thankful for that. I hear so many stories about friends whose parents never took time off work and never took a vacation together, all in the name of saving that hard-earned American dollar. Our vacations were so important to our relationships! My a-Dad was a workaholic except for those 2-3 weeks a year when he would take time off of work and devote every waking minute to his family!
4) My a-parents were God-fearing Christians who devoted their lives to following the teachings of Christ. They raised me in the church but as I grew older they allowed me to explore religion as I wanted. I very rarely attended church with them but rather chose a Youth Group at another church where I felt welcome and comfortable. They supported my decision to do this and never pushed me to be more involved in "their" church.
5) My a-parents gave me the right to choose what I wanted for my own life. They didn't push me in any specific direction when deciding on a college and a career. All they ever expected of me was that I try my hardest and do my best. They never expected perfection...just that I reach my God-given potential in all I tried.

Those Things I Hope to Do Differently
1) For whatever reason, my a-parents never TOLD me about my adoption. I was 7 years old when I overheard my a-Mom telling a postal worker that I was adopted. IMO this is too late and it is information that should never be discussed with others before sharing with the child. My daughter will know her adoption story from Day 1 and all others, including family, will only hear the details when and if SHE is ready to share it with them.
2) My a-Mom expected a certain amount of gratitude for the life she and a-Dad gave me. I strove very hard to please my a-parents but every once in awhile, in their eyes, I would swerve off the tracks. When, as a teenager, I expressed displeasure or frustration at not being able to go out with friends or having to help around the house my a-Mom would say, "Well, you could have been an orphan and be living on the streets!". Not until now did I realize how damaging such words could be, especially to an adopted child. I will never expect my daughter to show gratitude for being adopted nor will I remind her of the kind of life she might have had were it not for us bringing her into our home.
3) My a-parents were not very open in talking with me about my adoption. I only recall having one lengthy conversation about my adoption and that was when I was 16. At that time a-Mom told me that when I was ready I could have my OBC with my birthmother's name on it. The problem with such an offer is what kind of parent-pleasing 16-year old is going to ask for information about her "other mother"? I will make my daughter's adoption a part of her every day life so that she doesn't have to ask. She will know she is adopted and we will talk about it often, whether she brings it up or not. I will never force the issue but I will make it clear to her that her adoption is something that we welcome talking about and are not interested in keeping a secret.
4) My a-parents did not give much opportunity for adoption to even be discussed outside the home. While maybe not necessarily other people's business, we always had some cute way to explain our differences in appearance. It was like an inside joke...someone would make a comment about my looks taking after my a-Mom's and she and I would just look at each other and smile. So many times I wanted to say, "But she's not my 'real' mother. I'm adopted." While that might have been hurtful to my a-Mom and I might not have actually spoken those words, it would have been nice to have the freedom to share that with people and not have to lie or hide what I really thought inside. I want for my daughter to feel free to say what she wants to whoever she wants. If she wants people to know she's adopted then that is her perogative and I cannot allow my own poor self-esteem or fear of rejection to get in the way. She will have feelings that need to be expressed, whether to me or to others, and I want her to know that's OK and I want her to feel comfortable sharing her emotions with anyone she chooses.
5) My a-parents knew very little about me, my birthmom, my family, my culture, etc. On those rare instances when I would actually voice a question or concern they were not able to answer me and hopes of a conversation would diminish. I want to know as much as possible about my daughter, her mother, her foster family and home, her culture, and her country before I EVER bring her home. If not fully informed, then I want to at least have the resources available so that when she comes to me with questions I can either answer her or help her find the answers for herself. I want the opportunity to learn as much as possible about her mother so that when she is old enough and makes the decision for herself to meet her a relationship will already be in place to make that possible. I believe this is a valuable relationship for her to have and a key in helping to maintain some connection to her past and her culture...this is a relationship that I am more than willing to help foster and nurture to the best of my ability.
6) Although my a-parents never tried to "mold" me into something I wasn't, I was always treated like "their" daughter...like I belonged to them and had always belonged to them. In not talking about my adoption they made it clear that they wanted to view me as "their own". According to my a-parents, I was meant to be their daughter...it was a part of God's plan. If that were true then it was also a part of God's plan that I be neglected for 2 years and that my birthmother experience the pain of giving birth to me, raising me for 2 years, and then making the decision to relinquish me. I cannot believe that is true and I will not raise my daughter to believe this either. I intend to be honest with her and tell her the story of how she came to be a part of our family. She will know the culture and history of her country as it relates to women and single mothers. She will know that her birthmother did not make this decision so that I might have a child...she made this decision for her daughter. I was never in the equation when she made this decision, nor should I ever put myself on such a pedastal to believe I was. To express any form of gratitude toward her birthmother for giving me the honor of parenting her child would demean the real reason HER daughter is a part of MY life.

I know I'm not perfect and will sometimes stumble along the path to raising my daughter. I just hope that starting with the above list of "do's" and "don'ts" as learned from my a-parents will help me in continuing the valuable lessons they taught me while also preventing me from repeating past mistakes.

A Hypocritical Perspective?

Is it hypocritical to not be happy about parts of your own adoption experience yet still be OK with adoption in general? Can you be angry about some of the things that happened to you as a result of your adoption but still look past the negatives of your own experience to see the positives of adoption? I believe you can because I believe I do. I don't know if it's hypocritical or not, but it is who I am, a part of me, to look for and find the good in all things.

I have recently come to the realization that some of the painful and potentially damaging experiences I had AS AN ADOPTEE were in direct correlation to being adopted (I say potentially because I do not believe that I have allowed these things to damage the person that I am, however someone with a different personality experiencing the same things might come away with more scars than me). Despite the realization that parts of my adoption were less-than-ideal and despite reading accounts of other adult adoptees whose experiences were even more less-than-ideal than my own, I still hold a certain amount of respect for the philosophy behind adoption and its purpose.

In my opinion, the purpose of adoption is to give a child a home who might not otherwise have one (it should NOT be to fill a void in a lonely couple's life or to help a family meet their gender status quo). Were it not for adoption many more children than already are would be living in orphanages, group homes, foster homes, or even on the street. I believe there are several reasons why a child might not have a home:
1) Death of a parent with either no immediate family or no family willing to raise the child.
2) The child's homelife is unsafe or damaging due to neglect, abuse, etc. and a decision is made to remove the child from the home.
3) Public or governmental policy dicates the number of children permitted in a home.
4) And, unfortunately, in today's world, there are many societies that frown upon single motherhood. Single women with children can't find jobs or keep jobs. So, why keep having children, you might ask? Well, in many cultures the use of birth control is often not acceptable or even possible. In addition, many of these women live in a place where men are dominant and expect a woman to meet his needs without being married to him. She does as is expected, gets pregnant, and then, out of fear and in desperation for herself and maybe for older children already in her care, she makes the difficult decision to either abandon her newborn baby or make an adoption plan. Oftentimes it's her only hope for a future.

As my husband and I began our own journey to adopt a child I remember commenting that if I could use our adoption money to change society's opinions regarding birthmothers and single motherhood then I would do that rather than adopt. I was immediately informed that there is NO WAY to change society or its opinions. What society feels and believes is what it feels and believes...no amount of money will ever change that. And unfortunately I believe that is true. You can contribute all the money in the world to change laws and policies but you cannot ever pay people enough to change their minds.

There are children in this world and in this country who need homes. Without adoption these children will continue living in places that are not conducive to proper growth and development. Admittedly, taking a child out of her country of origin may not be ideal, however, until those countries make concrete plans for how to care for their own orphans there is no denying that a home is better than nothing at all.

Do Looks Really Matter?

Do looks really matter to adopted children? What can parents do to ensure that their adopted children feel comfortable regardless of how their looks blend with the family? Is this even possible?

My answer to the first question is a resounding "YES"! I looked very different from my a-parents. My a-Dad had several stereotypical Native American attributes including jet black hair, brown (almost black) eyes, a large, hook-shaped nose, and red skin. My a-Mom had dark brown hair, blue eyes, very pale skin with freckles, and a petite, thin build. Both my a-parents were average height. I, on the other hand, have red hair, green eyes, light skin tone with freckles and a more medium build. I never grew to be even close to the same height as either of my a-parents. When I was little strangers would always ask me where I got my red hair. As modeled and encouraged by my a-Mom, a simple "From God" accompanied by a little tilt of the head, angelic smile, and twinkle in the eye was all that sufficed. The result? Oh, those inqisitive (er...dare I say nosey?) people would respond right on cue! They would "ooh" and "aah" as they beamed from ear to ear and would walk away cooing to one another, "Well, isn't that just the cutest thing?"! Ah...from the mouths of babes!

But you see, there arose a problem in this grand scheme of a-Mom's and mine. It was only cute for so long. Once I got to be 14, 15, 16...that little head tilt, angelic smile, blah blah blah, just didn't seem to work anymore. I had to get smarter. Time passed, and while my a-parents seemed to reach an impasse on how to answer this question without stating the obvious, I became a high school student who for a very short period in my life absolutely loved BIOLOGY. Yes, I said BIOLOGY! I most particularly found myself interested in the study of genetics. I quickly learned that although red hair is a recessive gene 2 parents with dark hair might have the red hair gene but it is dominated by the dark gene, so they themselves might not have red hair but they can produce a child with red hair. AHA!!!! There was my answer. Only, do you notice something about this new explanation? Without even realizing it I found a way to cover the fact that I was adopted. I found an explanation that would make it reasonable for any normal person to assume that my a-parents were actually my b-parents. And it wasn't until just this week that I realized that's what I was doing, or at least it certainly appears to be what I was doing! W-O-W! What a startling realization! All this time I never thought looks mattered, yet there I was, as a teenager in high school looking for a way to make it appear as if my family was "normal"! As if I was normal! So, do looks really matter to the adopted child? You bet! But how can a-parents help in making their children feel comfortable in a family that looks so different from them? Tough question...

• I believe you need to be honest with your children and share with them their adoption story from day one.
• You need to ensure that your children have pictures of their b-parents so they know the origin of their hair color, eye color, and the shape of their nose, chin, and mouth.
• You need to allow your children to ask questions about their b-parents and if you don't have the answers be honest about not knowing and together look for ways to obtain those answers.
• You should not fabricate a cute anecdote for your children to use in explaining to others why they look different from the rest of the family. Allow them to be honest with those curious enough to ask and allow them to provide as much or as little information as they wish to disclose. It is their information to do with as they choose, but you must provide them with that information in the first place. Should people ask before the child is old enough to respond you must be willing and able to share a very small part of the truth, which is that you adopted them. Nothing more...nothing less. No big hoopla about the why or where or how of the story. Just a simple..."our child is adopted".
• You must not allow your own fears and inadequacies to get in the way of what is best for your children!
• If at all possible you must allow your children to have a relationship with their b-parents. While looks might be reflected through photos all other personality traits can only be revealed through direct, personal contact.
• Finally, you must ALLOW your children to feel uncomfortable. It's not a reflection on the quality of parenting. It's allowing your child to feel what is inevitable. You cannot change your children's physical appearance and you cannot change the fact that YOU chose FOR THEM to join your family. It is what it is. They look different because they are different and no amount of wishing OR love will change that. The only thing you can do is empathize with them and be there for them when they come to you. If you are honest with your children from the begininng they will learn to trust you and they WILL come to you when they are ready! No matter how hard you try, you cannot force the relationship to happen. All you can do is nurture it and then stand back and allow it to grow freely!

A Journey of Discovery

As I have already written, I entered the realm of adoption research with very little knowledge of the AA world. I never defined my adulthood by my adoption. I certainly told people I was adopted, especially when discussing unique characteristics or personality traits. However, when introducing myself to someone or even having a conversation with someone who already knew I was adopted, I NEVER thought to refer to myself as an "Adult Adoptee". In fact, I never heard the term "Adult Adoptee" until I began my adoption research. I was one of those "politically incorrect" adoptees who referred to my b-parents as my "real" parents or "bio" parents and my a-parents simply as my parents. Before now, if I chose to talk about myself as being adopted I would refer to myself as an "adopted child" (gasp....horror, I know)! I never thought to connect any of my personality traits to my adoption. I never assessed my behavior or attitude enough to wonder why I might behave or act the way I did. Nor did I ever question my reactions (or lack thereof) to the different aspects of my adoption experience. That is...until now!

I am beginning to wonder if there are thoughts and feelings that perhaps I have always felt deep inside but never allowed to surface. Even within some of my posts on this blog I see an evolution of thought and emotion as I begin to express my feelings about my own adoption. I am finding that I will start a post or blog entry with one opinion before ending almost 180 degrees from where I started. Usually I don't bother going back to change my original statement because I like to see my own metamorphosis as it occurs. I will often begin by stating that something never bothered me or that I never even thought of such a thing and then by the time I conclude my post I'm writing in a way that reveals to me that I actually have been affected by the very thing I said wasn't an issue. I find this whole process very interesting while at the same time somewhat frustrating. I like to have control of my emotions, yet when I begin sharing information about a particular event or circumstance that occurred in my life I feel as if I am losing control of that emotion, writing things that I never even knew were part of me.

Ultimately, I have discovered a lot about myself in the 6 short months that I have been on this journey. Some things I already knew and have just validated. Other things are completely foreign and I am just beginning to figure out how to express them and deal with them. No matter what, I will continue to view my adoption as a positive experience. I am learning that there are some things that could have been done differently yet I will never question that all parties involved, including my b-parents, my a-parents, and even the adoption agency had my best interest at heart. And for that I will always be thankful!