Step #2....DONE!

I finally completed the form necessary to receive my non-identifying info from NY. I had the form notarized today and IT'S IN THE MAIL!

Now to just sit, wait, and twiddle my thumbs! How long will it take before I get something? I wonder what it will reveal. Has my Mom dropped off any additional information? Would such information indicate whether she is also looking for ME?!

Thank goodness I have Christmas to occupy me because I am sure I would drive myself crazy with trips to the mailbox. But then again, will the holiday season hold things up in getting the info I'm requesting?! Oh, I can only hope not! I know I'm not awaiting identifying info, but this is the first real step I'm taking in searching for my Mom! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself! I feel like yet another weight has lifted!

Hang in there Mom, wherever you are....my search for you has begun!!!! I cannot WAIT to meet you!!!!!

My Life in a Nutshell

1) Got no further in starting the search for my Mom. Still have to get myself out of the house to get to that notary. I have a good reason to get there now, so I will probably accomplish that task this week!

2) Met with my therapist 4 times. I really like her. She is easy to talk to, seems anxious to help, validated many of my feelings, and trusts my own thoughts, ideas, and preferences. After the first visit she "diagnosed" me with a long-lasting but mild form of depression called dysthymic disorder. After the 3rd visit she diagnosed me with social anxiety/phobia and together we agreed the first course of action should probably be medication.

3) Visited my family doctor, who concurred with the probable need for medication and prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. She said to expect 6 weeks before any noticeable differences in behavior. 6 weeks can't come too soon.

4) Our foster daughter's file has been moved to the adoption unit. This has created a whole new slurry of emotions as I look into the face of her Mom who so desperately wants to parent but who cannot seem to meet her goals for doing so without taking 2 steps back for every step forward. I see the pain and anguish in her eyes as she faces the reality of the situation and I imagine that same look in the eyes of my own Mom when she lost me.

5) DH was given an actual end date for his current job. As of 1/09/2010 he will be unemployed. He has quite a few reasonable prospects, some of which might result in relocation, others that may not. This is a difficult time because of the uncertainty of the future as it relates to his job, M's adoption, and relocation, however I personally feel energized by the possible changes. I look forward to the opportunity to "start over" somewhere. I feel a need to purge a lot of our possessions and general "junk" and consider this a great starting point. I also personally believe that DH was under-appreciated at his current job and I look forward to him working in a place that recognizes his talent not only in pay but in position and accolades. He is a hard worker with a variety of skills and would be an asset to any company that hires him. I hope that he finds a place that appreciates the skills he has to offer.

6) I took part of a week to visit my BFF and then took another week to visit my Dad. It was nice to spend time with the people I love, but it was even better returning home to a DH who missed us and wanted nothing more than to have his wife and children back in his home and in his arms.

7) We hosted Thanksgiving for all of DH's family (becoming a tradition). Everyone was able to attend this year. The joy of Thanksgiving is that while some seats are vacated by the nephews who joined the military and started families of their own, those seats are now filled with the next generation of cousins. We had 4 children under the age of 7 sitting around our Thanksgiving table this year. To hear the sound of children running through the house, to hear their laughter, brought such joy and happiness to the festivities and reminded me of all that for which I am thankful!

8) Christmas is fast approaching and I have much to do in preparation. We have 2 little ones this year for whom Santa must stop. The awe and wonder I already see in their faces as they excitedly point out "there's MORE Christmas" on each decorated house we drive past warms my heart. Even in the midst of some personal struggles, how can one look at those faces and not feel the energy radiating from their entire beings? Last year Christmas was hard for me. I muddled through but for some reason never felt the same excitement I felt in the past. I expected to feel so happy as we prepared to share our daughter's first Christmas home. I let too many things get in the way of experiencing that happiness. This year I am determined that Christmas will be for me what it has always been...a time of joy, happiness, love, excitement, energy, family, and celebration. I have a beautiful home in which to celebrate this Advent Season. I have a wonderful family with whom to share it. We have the means to make this year memorable. I look forward to meeting this year's Christmas season head-on and with reckless abandon!!!! I'm ready to pull the decorations out.....look out DH, Christmastime is HERE!!!!!!

9) Ah...and then the New Year..........





WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT!!!!!!!

Progress

The psychologist finally called at a time when I was home and actually answered the phone.....

I have an appointment scheduled for this week!

I think I feel relief right now but I'm sure come Thursday afternoon my anxiety will hit an all-time high! Funny thing is I was most nervous about the phone conversation because I was afraid she would ask me why I felt I needed to see her. While I have a list a mile long I just kept invalidating MYSELF and telling myself that she would simply tell me, over the phone, that there is nothing wrong with me and that it would be a waste of my time and hers to meet. To my surprise she asked me no such questions. I had talked myself out of calling her for the longest time for this simple reason and it never even became a factor. Such is my life......I psych myself out of the simplest things for irrational reasons that obviously never come to fruition! And then I wonder if my need to see a psychologist is real.... LOL!

Please Don't Assume.....

.....that my sometimes negative opinions of adoption are because I had a bad adoption experience!

Life with my AP's was wonderful! I loved them...they loved me! I miss my a-Mom terribly since she passed away in 2003! I worry daily about my a-Dad and his health and know that he too will leave a huge hole in my heart when he is gone.

But no...my AP's and my life in their home was NOT perfect. They made many of the same mistakes as parents raising biological children. I certainly can point to some of their mistakes as possible reasons for my sometimes neurotic personality and negative feelings about adoption. But I also know that not all my opinions about adoption ARE based on my own experiences. A lot of my opinions are based on ethics (or the lack thereof), the treatment and eventual coercion of many natural parents to give their children up for adoption, and what, after truly digging deep within my soul, I decided is right and wrong with the system as a whole. Very few of my opinions are based on PERSONAL experience!

So....if I post an idea or concept foreign to AP's, please do not ask for an explanation or wait for a personal story to support that opinion before accepting it as valid or rational.

All adoptions are different. All circumstances leading up to adoption are different. All adoptive families are different. All adoptees are different. Some adoptees feel more strongly about certain topics than others. For some this is based on personal experience. For others this is based on research. For still others this is based on conscience and inner struggles.

The feelings of adoptees should not need substantiation in order to be deemed real and honest. If an adoptee chooses to provide evidence to support their opinion then that is up to the adoptee. If the next adoptee chooses to just voice an opinion without offering personal experience as proof, AP's need to still accept those feelings as true and in turn respect the adoptee for sharing those thoughts!

Adoptees do not demand personal stories from AP's to support their positive opinions of adoption. Why should AP's not afford adoptees the same respect?!

If You Don't Want to Know.....

.....DON'T ASK!

I am so sick and tired of AP's who ask for adoptee opinions regarding certain subjects who then either disagree with that opinion, discredit that opinion by citing the thousands of adoptees they know who DON'T feel the same way, or who completely ignore the opinion once posted.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR **MY** TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION THEN DON'T ASK ME FOR MY OPINION CUZ YOU JUST MIGHT NOT LIKE THE ANSWER!!!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ANSWER YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT BECAUSE IT'S **MY** ANSWER BASED ON **MY** EXPERIENCES, **MY** LIFE, **MY** WORLD, AS **I** SEE IT! YOU DON'T LIKE IT? YOU WANT THE RAINBOWS AND PUPPY DOGS, HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER VERSION? TOUGH!

Feeling Stuck

My life seems to be in a rut right now.

The excitement and relief I felt at my a-Dad's response to my e-mail about searching for my Mom lasted about 2 days. I discovered I need a notary for the form from NY requesting non-ID info and just have not moved forward since. I hate that I was so excited and then *poof* - it's gone.

I sent an e-mail to a psychologist, never heard back from her and never followed up. DH called her for me 2 weeks ago, she returned the call, leaving a message with DH for me to call her back. I finally worked up the nerve to call her back, left a message for her to call me, she called the same day, leaving a message with DH AGAIN for me to call her back. That was last Thursday. I have yet to call her. For me to call ANYONE takes such an act of courage and I really have to get my psyche in the right place, and it was there....LAST THURSDAY. Today......not so much.

Laundry has piled up...2 bathrooms need to be cleaned...toys are everywhere...the freezer is empty.......I go in spurts that last about 6 hours. I get as much as humanly possible accomplished in 6 hours, collapse in a state of exhaustion, patting myself on the back for a job well done, and then in celebration, put off getting to the next chore for 2 weeks, while things continue to pile up around me.

I feel like I'm in a terrible cycle that just keeps getting worse and worse the longer I neglect it. With every passing day I feel like my list for the psychologist gets longer and longer and yet my drive to call her and actually set something up comes and goes.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything normal again. I'm not sure where that "normal" would begin. At birth? At my adoption? At marriage? At the death of my a-Mom? At the adoption of my daughter? I just don't know. I just feel STUCK!

"Given Up", "Abandoned", "Relinquished", or "Placed"? Thoughts?

Quite some time ago I posted my thoughts regarding the terms "birth mother", "biological mother", "first mother", and "natural mother". However discussion over proper semantics and language when referring to adoption does not stop there.

Just recently I found myself considering how best to describe the Natural Parent's role in an adoption. Do they give their child up for adoption? Do they abandon their child? Is it an act of relinquishment? Or do they simply place their child for adoption? I think depending on the person and their state of mind at the time, each of these terms might be appropriate. I've heard arguments from all sides explaining their use of one or more of these terms.

AP's seem to lean toward the term "placed". I think for AP's this term has a nice ring to it and it sounds neater and prettier when thinking about the Natural Parent. It makes it more of a willing choice on the NP's part. It takes away the fear and discomfort of thinking that the Natural Parents were coerced. "Why, of course 'our birthmother' wasn't coerced. She made the decision to 'PLACE' _____ on her own"

Adoptees tend to choose the word "abandoned" because that is what they feel most accurately describes what happened to THEM. Even if they learn that their Natural Parents were coerced they still feel it was an act of abandonment, betrayal. This person who was supposed to love them unconditionally turned around and walked away leaving them to be raised by mere strangers. Unfortunately for many that's just how it feels and quite honestly, NOTHING can change those feelings of grief, loss, and abandonment.

Now, Natural Parents, I recently learned, tend to prefer the term "gave up". Similar to the reasons why adoptees say they were "abandoned", many Natural Parents feel the term "gave up" most appropriately describes what happened....they gave their child up for adoption. When looking at the definition, it fits. The term suits for situations that either involve or do not involve coercion. It certainly makes more sense than "placed" which devalues the grief and pain experienced by the Natural Parent. It certainly makes more sense than "abandoned" as many Natural Parents mourn the loss of their child and hope in their hearts their child NEVER feels abandoned as a result of their decision. "Relinquished" sort of makes sense. After all, it's a synonym for the word "give up". I think for some it just sounds too sterile and more like actually GIVING up, resisting the fight, walking away.

Despite understanding the Natural Parent's explanations for using the term "give up" I recently discovered that I HATE that term. To me, being given up for adoption doesn't just mean handed over...it means that my Mom GAVE UP! It means she stopped fighting. It means she truly DID turn her back on me and walk away. In truth, being "given up" means I was "abandoned".

Only, at this point in my life I need to believe something else. I need to believe she DID fight. I need to believe she WANTED me with all her heart and soul, but just "lost me". I need to believe that she lost as much as I lost when she lost ME. I need to believe that I mattered enough and was worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears she lost in the fight to keep me even though she still lost. I need to believe that I was NOT "placed", that I was NOT "abandoned", "relinquished" or "given up". I NEED to believe that I was merely "lost" and that someday, when we find our way back to each other, that we will both be made whole once again.