I'm a Big Girl...He's a Big Boy....

That's what finally occurred to me as I considered if I would EVER break it to my Daddy that I'm ready to search for my Mom.

I've always thought about whether I would ever look for my Mom. Ever since I was a teenager I thought about it for fleeting moments before the thought quickly vanished. It always seemed such an improbability. Excuses always came to mind for why I SHOULD not or WOULD not ever search. Excuses that always put everyone's feelings ahead of my own.

~I didn't want to hurt my parents
~I didn't want for my dying mother to think I was already looking for her replacement
~I didn't want to make my grieving Daddy think I had moved on so quickly after Mommy's death to eagerly look for someone or something new
~I didn't want to barge into and interfere with my Mom's life, especially had she moved on without sharing news of my existence with her family

I also was not ready to prepare myself for the worst. For not finding her, for finding she had died, for....REJECTION.

But something happened a few nights ago, somewhat in the wake of the Adoptee Rights Demonstration held on July 21 in Philadelphia (an event I was unable, for a variety of reasons, to attend). As I was laying in bed thinking about the emptiness I sometimes feel in my heart, the longing to know the person who brought me into this world, the enormous guilt I feel for even thinking such thoughts.....it occurred to me that I am 35 years old. I am not a child. And my Daddy, who I worry so much about and who I would hate to hurt in any way, is, in fact, an adult himself.

It finally dawned on me that if he has enough confidence in our relationship and love for one another to be upfront and honest about the new lady in his life, then why can't I be upfront and honest about my desire to finally know my Mom? I mean, after all these years, would it even really surprise him? Probably not!

So, I have reached a decision. Next week we will be on vacation with my Daddy. I hope, at some point during our time together, to sit down with him and have a real heart to heart. I hope to share with him how much he means to me, how much joy it brings me that he has found a lady with whom he finds happiness, and how, at 35 years old, I think I'm ready to take that first step in finding my Mom. I don't need his help...I know that. And honestly, I don't need his blessing, support, or encouragement. I don't NEED those things. But gosh, it sure would feel great moving forward if I had them. I don't NEED them...but I WANT them with every fiber of my being! And why not seek them? After all.....I'm a big girl and he's a big boy, right?!

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!

Officially Done....

.....posting and reading at Bethany Christian Services Message Board.

I frequent 2 Message Boards on a fairly regular basis. I typically read and post wearing my AP hat when at BCS and wearing my adoptee hat at AAAFC. More often than not I leave my other hat at the door, as I recognize my status as an AP can make many of my adoptee friends uncomfortable while some of my views as an adoptee can make some AP's uncomfortable. However, on rare occasions, I find it necessary to don my adoptee hat while at BCS in order to provide a different perspective to a particular discussion (I don my AP hat on even rarer occasions at AAAFC because no one really ever asks for the AP perspective on a particular topic, nor do I feel it necessary for adoptees to UNDERSTAND the AP perspective).

So, 2 threads started at BCS, one entitled "Needing a Break from Adoption", the other regarding the need to open ourselves up to the perspective of "anti-adoption". Some of the posts in both these threads really rubbed me the wrong way. AP's began expressing discomfort at reading the hard-core negative stuff about adoption. They began relating "anti-adoption" only to natural parents, once again leaving the adoptee perspective completely on the sidelines.

Foolishly I decided to respond to the thread about "needing a break". I posted my previous 2 posts from this blog. And guess what?! After 569 views and 29 posts (2 of which were mine, as post #24 and post #27) the thread seems to have fizzled. Surprise, SURPRISE!!!! An adoptee adds her perspective that might make a few AP's squirm a little in their seats and the thread dies!

As you can tell, I am NOT surprised. But I'm still angry! Angry that these AP's seem to always WANT the adoptee perspective, but then when it's there for all of them to see they turn a blind eye. I've raised this issue on more than one occasion and all I seem to get is "oh, it happens to everybody. People very rarely respond to my posts!" Oh, is that right?! Your thoughts are directly responsible for ending nearly every thread in which you post? If I had time or an interest, I would go back and find each thread in which I posted as an adoptee and find where my post falls compared to the number of total posts in the thread. I can guarantee that over 80% of my posts, when written from the adoptee perspective, end the thread within 4 or 5 posts of my own.

So, I'm done. I'm done opening myself up just to feel rejected OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I'm done trying to educate, as it's impossible to educate those not interested in being educated!

Oh well, I guess such is life. I kind of feel relieved knowing it's over. It's kind of like a bad relationship that keeps going and going and going because no one is strong enough to finally call it quits, but when they do, a huge weight is removed and a great peace ensues! That's how I feel.....AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

AP's "Needing a Break From Adoption...."

.....UGH!

Last week I posted that I am just "tired" of all this adoption stuff. And I am...I mean "stick a fork in me...." because I'm DONE!!!!

But of course there is that rational side of me that knows no matter how sick, tired, and done I am with adoption stuff, it will always be there.

It will always be there because first, I'm adopted! That pretty much says it all. I CAN'T get away from it because 33 years ago several people made a decision on my behalf, about which I had zero say! My Mom, a social worker, my a-parents...some or all of these people decided FOR me, that my life would be better with my AP's than with my Mom. Unfortunately we will never know the truth to that assumption because an irreversible decision was made that affected my life and will continue to affect my life AND the lives of those around me until the end of my being.

Adoption will also always be there because I adopted!!! As an AP I have a responsibility to keep adoption research, information, statistics, and ethics at the forefront of my life. I cannot take a break from adoption because I owe it to my children to keep myself informed. I owe it to my children to KNOW what and how their Moms felt when they relinquished so that I can share with them how much they are truly loved and missed. I owe it to my children to KNOW the challenges they might face as a result of their emotions so that some day I can sit and cry with them without judging the validity of their thoughts. I owe it to my children to accept that they might hate me and that they might hate adoption. I owe it to my children to understand the importance of developing a relationship with their Mom and their natural family and then guiding them in building that relationship. I owe it to my children to keep myself informed so that when they have questions or issues that need answering or addressing I am there for them, either able to hold their hands and lead them in the right direction, or to merely show them where to search and find answers for themselves. I owe it to my children to know where THEY can go when they choose to not talk to me about their pain, sadness, loneliness, and fear.

Yes, being an AP is not always a picnic in the park, and I do not begrudge anyone feeling as if they "need a break" from adoption, but you know what?! My children will NEVER get a break. As their parent, I made a choice on their behalf. Because of that choice, I owe it to my children to face the pain of just KNOWING!!!!

Tired

It's been quite some time since my last post. I guess I've just been TIRED! Tired of all this adoption stuff. Tired of it all just being there in front of me when really I just wish it would go away. But it won't go away. EVER.

Before we decided to adopt I never thought about it, never cared about it, never considered the ethics, the grief, the pain associated with it. It was just something people did to grow their family and was perfectly normal, acceptable, and RIGHT! It was the GOOD and DECENT thing to do. However, adopting as an adoptee opened my eyes to a whole world that, honestly, at this point in my life is just so life-draining and depressing.

I'm so happy to have my daughters in my life and, even knowing what I know now, wouldn't change a thing in the world, despite this overwhelming sadness that envelopes me from time to time.

But I'm still TIRED! I want one day in my life to NOT be about adoption. I want just one day in my life to be about belonging and knowing.

I'm just TIRED!

Tired of missing someone I may never know.
Tired of wishing I knew a person who might not even remember me or want a relationship with me.
Tired of thinking "maybe today I'll do it...maybe today I'll start the search" and then walking away, once again.
Tired of feeling drawn to those stories and videos showing the immeasurable grief associated with relinquishing a child.
Tired of putting myself into the shoes of EVERY child ever adopted and wishing for something different for them...for me.
Tired of feeling silenced by the adoptive parents who just really don't want to know the truth.
Tired of feeling like a traitor to the adoptees who knew the truth about adoption way before I even knew a "fog" existed.
Tired of looking at my daughter and wondering if our openness with her about her adoption will help prevent her from becoming me.
Tired of associating every little cry, every little unhappy toddler moment, every bit of defiance with attachment and adoption and worrying that I screwed my daughter up from day one.
Tired of wondering what is wrong with me.
Tired of thinking that everything I do is a failure.
Tired of chalking my negative self-worth up to being adopted.
Tired of guessing what she looks like, sounds like, acts like.
Tired of thinking about HER......

Just....

TIRED!

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

You Are Doing WHAT?!

Lately I've found myself disgusted by the concept of "adoption disruption".

First of all..."disruption"? Puhlease!!!! Let's not be so PC when referring to the "giving back" of an adopted child! It is true that the "return" of an adopted child is a disruption for the child. No arguments there. As one definition shows, disruption certainly defines well what is happening FOR THE CHILD - "To throw into confusion or disorder" seems about perfect in this usage! The problem for me is that when a-parents use the term disruption they do so because it sounds prettier than "return", "give back", "let go", etc. So, for those people, let's call it what it IS! It is the removal of a child from your home because YOU can no longer cope with the downside of adoption!

Secondly..."adoption disruption"? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! This concept angers me to the core! More often than not the children involved in disrupted adoptions are children adopted at an older age who learned quite quickly, through no fault of their own, that the only person on whom they can rely in their life is themselves! They are then thrown headfirst into a family who wanted nothing more than to have a child to call their own. When this child does not reciprocate the joy and excitement of joining his/her new family as expected, circumstances take a serious turn for the worse! Because these parents refuse to accept any responsibility for the child's reaction to their family and because they choose not to empathize with the pain and fear exhibited through the child's behavior, a-parents lean on diagnoses such as RAD, ODD, and OCD to label their anguished, scared, hurting, and confused child. And once these labels come along the child ceases to become a child, but rather a falsely advertised product!

"I wasn't told there was a history of abuse!" "I didn't know the child had been abandoned 3 times prior." "The agency failed to inform that the child showed signs of RAD and ODD." "What am I supposed to do when a child threatens to murder me in my sleep?" "I must protect my family and my marriage." On and on and on the defenses go! But you know what?! YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A CHILD!!!! A damaged, scared, hurting child! Don't tell me not to judge you until I walk in your shoes! How about walk in your child's shoes for just 1 FREAKING day!!! How dare you put your own wants, needs, desires, and dreams above that of the child you welcomed into your home! How DARE you!!!

Adoption disruption - where's the bucket?!

Please Don't Tell Me What a Bad and Difficult Child I Am/Was

I am currently reading the book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge. I intend to elaborate more on my thoughts about the book and perhaps even dedicate a separate post to each of the "Twenty Things" and how they relate to my personal adoption experience and that of my adopted daughter. However, this past week I discovered a twenty-FIRST thing I wish MY a-Dad knew.....

"Please Don't Tell Me What a Bad and Difficult Child I Am/Was"

Adoptees already face the heartbreaking fear that in some way we did something terribly wrong to result in our relinquishment. Did we cry too much? Were we always sick? Did we have major temper tantrums? Were we too demanding? Were we unlovable? Ugly? Sad? Not easily entertained or amused? Did we not smile or laugh? So much goes through an adoptee's mind of what we might have done differently, even as a small baby, to make our Moms love us and want to keep us.

When my a-Dad announced on more than one occasion this week that I was "a very taxing child" I began wondering if perhaps that was the case even BEFORE I was adopted. Is that why my Mom chose to "get rid of me"? Had I worn her ragged in my 2 short years of life and made her decide she wasn't capable of raising me? For so long I was led to believe my relinquishment was such a loving choice on her part! But was it? Or was it a personally selfish choice because I was a difficult baby?

Imagine my sadness this week as I've considered the idea that I displayed such deplorable behavior worthy of bringing up even 30 years later! I mean, what am I supposed to do with that information? Am I to apologize for putting my a-Parents through such hardships in raising me? Am I to become defensive and declare that I thought parents knew, when deciding to start a family, that their children might not always be perfect? Am I to extend my deepest gratitude for them muddling through and keeping me after my Mom clearly chose not to keep her horrendously disobedient baby?! I mean really, if I was that bad I'm sure they were well within their rights to just give up on me too. And if they made the decision to fight the hard fight of bending and molding me to their will, why still hold me accountable 30 years later?

Oddly enough, I do not remember being a bad child. As a matter of fact, I seem to recall the exact opposite. But now I wonder...was I so horrifically awful that I'm repressing those memories? Or is it natural for children to think they never do wrong thus are ultimately unable or even unwilling to acknowledge their shortcomings? I don't know because I would be the first to tell you that my relationship with my a-family was less than pretty during my late adolescent young-adult years, due mostly to bad decisions made on my own part. I can acknowledge that I gave them a pretty good run for their money after I started college. But honestly, prior to those years, I cannot point to a single thing that I ever did that was so terrible.

But there's the paradox. While I can't remember my failings as a child, clearly I had some. And how my heart aches at the thought that it was those very failings of which my a-Dad speaks that caused my Mom to abandon me.