Some Thoughts

As I lay in bed last night watching the minutes fly by, I continued to wonder why the words "not reported" hurt so much. I mean, what did I really expect to get? Did I really expect the info I would receive to answer any questions or reveal anything new?

I'm not really sure WHAT I expected. I'm not even sure that I had expectations at all. I guess I expected a big manila envelope with a packet of information. But when I got that single piece of paper in a standard letter-size envelope with evidence of information I COULD have received, that's when it hit me. Happy birthday to ME, right?! Here's your information. You got NOTHING! You CAME from nothing!

I never imagined that the possible information available would include the hair color, eye color, height, and weight of both my mother AND father! I guess I simply assumed there would be some information about the circumstances of my relinquishment.

So, with nothing about those circumstances except that the agency involved will be asked to forward information to me, and with all the other information "not reported" I feel like my whole world just crumbled. Now there's nothing to imagine anymore. Now it's just all blank. Rather than fill a void, a gap in my life, this non-ID info made that hole even larger.

I know more info is coming but it was hard enough waiting for this bit of NOTHING! I'm not sure my heart can withstand another page of "not reported". How will I deal with that? What will I do then? Was my life better before even starting down this path? At least I had SOMETHING! At least I had my thoughts, my imagination, my dreams. At least it was SOMETHING!

Ah well. All in a day in the life of an adoptee. Adoption sucks! And Happy Birthday to ME!

Got My Non-ID From NY and.......

it SUCKS!!!! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH!

OK, so now I know my mother was 16 (not 14 like I was told). Her highest level of education was 8th grade. She got prenatal care starting in her 2nd month and carried me to full term despite uterine bleeding in her 3rd trimester. I was 5 lbs, 4 oz. My adoption was handled through Albany County Social Services, who will send me any additional non-ID info per request from the state. Of course there was nothing about my father at all!

So, nothing about height, weight, hair color, eye color, etc. Nothing about the circumstances that led to my relinquishment except the stuff about involving Albany County DSS. I guess it's more than I knew yesterday but nothing screams a slap in the face more than a bunch of lines stating "not reported". I don't know....how can I feel worse now than I did before? It's like I finally crossed that line where my adoption has been confirmed by the state of NY but I still am not privy to information afforded all citizens except adoptees! For crying out loud........NO ONE FRICKING WROTE DOWN THE COLOR OF MY MOTHER'S HAIR? "NOT REPORTED"? WHAT'S TO REPORT?! LOOK AT THE WOMAN AND MAKE A NOTE! FOR GOD'S SAKE! What a load of crap!!!!

My Brain Gone Wild

One of my greatest weaknesses is I have the tendency to allow my brain to run wild with negative thoughts.

As a child, my mom would sometimes leave me in the car if she had to run into the grocery store just for 1 or 2 items. During those 5 or 10 minutes alone in the car I would imagine that every person walking past intended to kidnap me. I pictured it down to the point of them grabbing me and I could hear myself screaming in my head.
As a teenager, watching my parents climb a ladder to clean out the gutters sent waves of panic through me as I pictured the ladder slipping and them falling to their deaths before my very eyes. My brain raced through the scenario of what I would do, who I would call, how I would help them.
Now as an adult I imagine the same thing when DH cleans out the gutters or even mows the lawn. I almost always picture him walking through the door with blood pouring everywhere, having severed a limb with the lawn mower. I hear things such as him screaming, yelling for help, or banging on the door when he is outside working in the yard and constantly have to check where he is at or what he is doing. The minute I hear the mower stop I have to look outside to determine the cause and to make sure DH is not laying in the grass bleeding to death.
Now with children it's even worse. Just taking them out to the car in our driveway terrifies me as I picture them slipping away from me, running into the road, and getting hit by a car. I actually PICTURE, in my head, the impact of the car striking their little bodies and sending them flying across the road.

This past Monday morning I experienced my worst imagining yet. I truly believed my younger daughter had died in the the night and I could not bring myself to go into the girls' room to get them up. I heard a "thunk" in the night but did not get up and check on things. So, when I woke at 8:15 a.m. on my own without hearing any noises coming from the girls' room I just knew that the "thunk" was M falling out of bed and breaking her neck. I started thinking about how I would tell the SW and how I would tell her Mom. I didn't worry too much about WHAT I would do because in my mind she died several hours previously and there was nothing I COULD do by 8:15 a.m. I convinced myself so much of the fact that she was dead that I nearly called DH for moral support before going into their room where I knew I would find her dead body laying on the floor. After about 15-20 minutes I finally decided to just go in. I found M in her sister's bed, so clearly she HAD climbed out of her crib in the night. And my mind was still so convinced she died that I actually shook her body to try and see her move or hear her breathe. She did one of those shuddery sighs, sending pangs of relief through my entire body. I nearly melted into a ball of sobs on the floor.

What is wrong with me? Why do I let it go so far? Why can I not stop these thoughts before they run rampant through my head? Just one time I want to be able to say "STOP! I WILL NOT LET THESE THOUGHTS TERRORIZE ME!" I just wish I knew how.........

Step #2....DONE!

I finally completed the form necessary to receive my non-identifying info from NY. I had the form notarized today and IT'S IN THE MAIL!

Now to just sit, wait, and twiddle my thumbs! How long will it take before I get something? I wonder what it will reveal. Has my Mom dropped off any additional information? Would such information indicate whether she is also looking for ME?!

Thank goodness I have Christmas to occupy me because I am sure I would drive myself crazy with trips to the mailbox. But then again, will the holiday season hold things up in getting the info I'm requesting?! Oh, I can only hope not! I know I'm not awaiting identifying info, but this is the first real step I'm taking in searching for my Mom! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself! I feel like yet another weight has lifted!

Hang in there Mom, wherever you are....my search for you has begun!!!! I cannot WAIT to meet you!!!!!

My Life in a Nutshell

1) Got no further in starting the search for my Mom. Still have to get myself out of the house to get to that notary. I have a good reason to get there now, so I will probably accomplish that task this week!

2) Met with my therapist 4 times. I really like her. She is easy to talk to, seems anxious to help, validated many of my feelings, and trusts my own thoughts, ideas, and preferences. After the first visit she "diagnosed" me with a long-lasting but mild form of depression called dysthymic disorder. After the 3rd visit she diagnosed me with social anxiety/phobia and together we agreed the first course of action should probably be medication.

3) Visited my family doctor, who concurred with the probable need for medication and prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. She said to expect 6 weeks before any noticeable differences in behavior. 6 weeks can't come too soon.

4) Our foster daughter's file has been moved to the adoption unit. This has created a whole new slurry of emotions as I look into the face of her Mom who so desperately wants to parent but who cannot seem to meet her goals for doing so without taking 2 steps back for every step forward. I see the pain and anguish in her eyes as she faces the reality of the situation and I imagine that same look in the eyes of my own Mom when she lost me.

5) DH was given an actual end date for his current job. As of 1/09/2010 he will be unemployed. He has quite a few reasonable prospects, some of which might result in relocation, others that may not. This is a difficult time because of the uncertainty of the future as it relates to his job, M's adoption, and relocation, however I personally feel energized by the possible changes. I look forward to the opportunity to "start over" somewhere. I feel a need to purge a lot of our possessions and general "junk" and consider this a great starting point. I also personally believe that DH was under-appreciated at his current job and I look forward to him working in a place that recognizes his talent not only in pay but in position and accolades. He is a hard worker with a variety of skills and would be an asset to any company that hires him. I hope that he finds a place that appreciates the skills he has to offer.

6) I took part of a week to visit my BFF and then took another week to visit my Dad. It was nice to spend time with the people I love, but it was even better returning home to a DH who missed us and wanted nothing more than to have his wife and children back in his home and in his arms.

7) We hosted Thanksgiving for all of DH's family (becoming a tradition). Everyone was able to attend this year. The joy of Thanksgiving is that while some seats are vacated by the nephews who joined the military and started families of their own, those seats are now filled with the next generation of cousins. We had 4 children under the age of 7 sitting around our Thanksgiving table this year. To hear the sound of children running through the house, to hear their laughter, brought such joy and happiness to the festivities and reminded me of all that for which I am thankful!

8) Christmas is fast approaching and I have much to do in preparation. We have 2 little ones this year for whom Santa must stop. The awe and wonder I already see in their faces as they excitedly point out "there's MORE Christmas" on each decorated house we drive past warms my heart. Even in the midst of some personal struggles, how can one look at those faces and not feel the energy radiating from their entire beings? Last year Christmas was hard for me. I muddled through but for some reason never felt the same excitement I felt in the past. I expected to feel so happy as we prepared to share our daughter's first Christmas home. I let too many things get in the way of experiencing that happiness. This year I am determined that Christmas will be for me what it has always been...a time of joy, happiness, love, excitement, energy, family, and celebration. I have a beautiful home in which to celebrate this Advent Season. I have a wonderful family with whom to share it. We have the means to make this year memorable. I look forward to meeting this year's Christmas season head-on and with reckless abandon!!!! I'm ready to pull the decorations out.....look out DH, Christmastime is HERE!!!!!!

9) Ah...and then the New Year..........





WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT!!!!!!!

Progress

The psychologist finally called at a time when I was home and actually answered the phone.....

I have an appointment scheduled for this week!

I think I feel relief right now but I'm sure come Thursday afternoon my anxiety will hit an all-time high! Funny thing is I was most nervous about the phone conversation because I was afraid she would ask me why I felt I needed to see her. While I have a list a mile long I just kept invalidating MYSELF and telling myself that she would simply tell me, over the phone, that there is nothing wrong with me and that it would be a waste of my time and hers to meet. To my surprise she asked me no such questions. I had talked myself out of calling her for the longest time for this simple reason and it never even became a factor. Such is my life......I psych myself out of the simplest things for irrational reasons that obviously never come to fruition! And then I wonder if my need to see a psychologist is real.... LOL!

Please Don't Assume.....

.....that my sometimes negative opinions of adoption are because I had a bad adoption experience!

Life with my AP's was wonderful! I loved them...they loved me! I miss my a-Mom terribly since she passed away in 2003! I worry daily about my a-Dad and his health and know that he too will leave a huge hole in my heart when he is gone.

But no...my AP's and my life in their home was NOT perfect. They made many of the same mistakes as parents raising biological children. I certainly can point to some of their mistakes as possible reasons for my sometimes neurotic personality and negative feelings about adoption. But I also know that not all my opinions about adoption ARE based on my own experiences. A lot of my opinions are based on ethics (or the lack thereof), the treatment and eventual coercion of many natural parents to give their children up for adoption, and what, after truly digging deep within my soul, I decided is right and wrong with the system as a whole. Very few of my opinions are based on PERSONAL experience!

So....if I post an idea or concept foreign to AP's, please do not ask for an explanation or wait for a personal story to support that opinion before accepting it as valid or rational.

All adoptions are different. All circumstances leading up to adoption are different. All adoptive families are different. All adoptees are different. Some adoptees feel more strongly about certain topics than others. For some this is based on personal experience. For others this is based on research. For still others this is based on conscience and inner struggles.

The feelings of adoptees should not need substantiation in order to be deemed real and honest. If an adoptee chooses to provide evidence to support their opinion then that is up to the adoptee. If the next adoptee chooses to just voice an opinion without offering personal experience as proof, AP's need to still accept those feelings as true and in turn respect the adoptee for sharing those thoughts!

Adoptees do not demand personal stories from AP's to support their positive opinions of adoption. Why should AP's not afford adoptees the same respect?!