No Greater Act of Love

Some Thoughts

2010-03-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

As I lay in bed last night watching the minutes fly by, I continued to wonder why the words "not reported" hurt so much. I mean, what did I really expect to get? Did I really expect the info I would receive to answer any questions or reveal anything new?

I'm not really sure WHAT I expected. I'm not even sure that I had expectations at all. I guess I expected a big manila envelope with a packet of information. But when I got that single piece of paper in a standard letter-size envelope with evidence of information I COULD have received, that's when it hit me. Happy birthday to ME, right?! Here's your information. You got NOTHING! You CAME from nothing!

I never imagined that the possible information available would include the hair color, eye color, height, and weight of both my mother AND father! I guess I simply assumed there would be some information about the circumstances of my relinquishment.

So, with nothing about those circumstances except that the agency involved will be asked to forward information to me, and with all the other information "not reported" I feel like my whole world just crumbled. Now there's nothing to imagine anymore. Now it's just all blank. Rather than fill a void, a gap in my life, this non-ID info made that hole even larger.

I know more info is coming but it was hard enough waiting for this bit of NOTHING! I'm not sure my heart can withstand another page of "not reported". How will I deal with that? What will I do then? Was my life better before even starting down this path? At least I had SOMETHING! At least I had my thoughts, my imagination, my dreams. At least it was SOMETHING!

Ah well. All in a day in the life of an adoptee. Adoption sucks! And Happy Birthday to ME!

Got My Non-ID From NY and.......

2010-03-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

it SUCKS!!!! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH!

OK, so now I know my mother was 16 (not 14 like I was told). Her highest level of education was 8th grade. She got prenatal care starting in her 2nd month and carried me to full term despite uterine bleeding in her 3rd trimester. I was 5 lbs, 4 oz. My adoption was handled through Albany County Social Services, who will send me any additional non-ID info per request from the state. Of course there was nothing about my father at all!

So, nothing about height, weight, hair color, eye color, etc. Nothing about the circumstances that led to my relinquishment except the stuff about involving Albany County DSS. I guess it's more than I knew yesterday but nothing screams a slap in the face more than a bunch of lines stating "not reported". I don't know....how can I feel worse now than I did before? It's like I finally crossed that line where my adoption has been confirmed by the state of NY but I still am not privy to information afforded all citizens except adoptees! For crying out loud........NO ONE FRICKING WROTE DOWN THE COLOR OF MY MOTHER'S HAIR? "NOT REPORTED"? WHAT'S TO REPORT?! LOOK AT THE WOMAN AND MAKE A NOTE! FOR GOD'S SAKE! What a load of crap!!!!

My Brain Gone Wild

2009-12-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

One of my greatest weaknesses is I have the tendency to allow my brain to run wild with negative thoughts.

As a child, my mom would sometimes leave me in the car if she had to run into the grocery store just for 1 or 2 items. During those 5 or 10 minutes alone in the car I would imagine that every person walking past intended to kidnap me. I pictured it down to the point of them grabbing me and I could hear myself screaming in my head.
As a teenager, watching my parents climb a ladder to clean out the gutters sent waves of panic through me as I pictured the ladder slipping and them falling to their deaths before my very eyes. My brain raced through the scenario of what I would do, who I would call, how I would help them.
Now as an adult I imagine the same thing when DH cleans out the gutters or even mows the lawn. I almost always picture him walking through the door with blood pouring everywhere, having severed a limb with the lawn mower. I hear things such as him screaming, yelling for help, or banging on the door when he is outside working in the yard and constantly have to check where he is at or what he is doing. The minute I hear the mower stop I have to look outside to determine the cause and to make sure DH is not laying in the grass bleeding to death.
Now with children it's even worse. Just taking them out to the car in our driveway terrifies me as I picture them slipping away from me, running into the road, and getting hit by a car. I actually PICTURE, in my head, the impact of the car striking their little bodies and sending them flying across the road.

This past Monday morning I experienced my worst imagining yet. I truly believed my younger daughter had died in the the night and I could not bring myself to go into the girls' room to get them up. I heard a "thunk" in the night but did not get up and check on things. So, when I woke at 8:15 a.m. on my own without hearing any noises coming from the girls' room I just knew that the "thunk" was M falling out of bed and breaking her neck. I started thinking about how I would tell the SW and how I would tell her Mom. I didn't worry too much about WHAT I would do because in my mind she died several hours previously and there was nothing I COULD do by 8:15 a.m. I convinced myself so much of the fact that she was dead that I nearly called DH for moral support before going into their room where I knew I would find her dead body laying on the floor. After about 15-20 minutes I finally decided to just go in. I found M in her sister's bed, so clearly she HAD climbed out of her crib in the night. And my mind was still so convinced she died that I actually shook her body to try and see her move or hear her breathe. She did one of those shuddery sighs, sending pangs of relief through my entire body. I nearly melted into a ball of sobs on the floor.

What is wrong with me? Why do I let it go so far? Why can I not stop these thoughts before they run rampant through my head? Just one time I want to be able to say "STOP! I WILL NOT LET THESE THOUGHTS TERRORIZE ME!" I just wish I knew how.........

Step #2....DONE!

2009-12-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

I finally completed the form necessary to receive my non-identifying info from NY. I had the form notarized today and IT'S IN THE MAIL!

Now to just sit, wait, and twiddle my thumbs! How long will it take before I get something? I wonder what it will reveal. Has my Mom dropped off any additional information? Would such information indicate whether she is also looking for ME?!

Thank goodness I have Christmas to occupy me because I am sure I would drive myself crazy with trips to the mailbox. But then again, will the holiday season hold things up in getting the info I'm requesting?! Oh, I can only hope not! I know I'm not awaiting identifying info, but this is the first real step I'm taking in searching for my Mom! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself! I feel like yet another weight has lifted!

Hang in there Mom, wherever you are....my search for you has begun!!!! I cannot WAIT to meet you!!!!!

My Life in a Nutshell

2009-12-01T12:07:00.000-08:00

1) Got no further in starting the search for my Mom. Still have to get myself out of the house to get to that notary. I have a good reason to get there now, so I will probably accomplish that task this week!

2) Met with my therapist 4 times. I really like her. She is easy to talk to, seems anxious to help, validated many of my feelings, and trusts my own thoughts, ideas, and preferences. After the first visit she "diagnosed" me with a long-lasting but mild form of depression called dysthymic disorder. After the 3rd visit she diagnosed me with social anxiety/phobia and together we agreed the first course of action should probably be medication.

3) Visited my family doctor, who concurred with the probable need for medication and prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. She said to expect 6 weeks before any noticeable differences in behavior. 6 weeks can't come too soon.

4) Our foster daughter's file has been moved to the adoption unit. This has created a whole new slurry of emotions as I look into the face of her Mom who so desperately wants to parent but who cannot seem to meet her goals for doing so without taking 2 steps back for every step forward. I see the pain and anguish in her eyes as she faces the reality of the situation and I imagine that same look in the eyes of my own Mom when she lost me.

5) DH was given an actual end date for his current job. As of 1/09/2010 he will be unemployed. He has quite a few reasonable prospects, some of which might result in relocation, others that may not. This is a difficult time because of the uncertainty of the future as it relates to his job, M's adoption, and relocation, however I personally feel energized by the possible changes. I look forward to the opportunity to "start over" somewhere. I feel a need to purge a lot of our possessions and general "junk" and consider this a great starting point. I also personally believe that DH was under-appreciated at his current job and I look forward to him working in a place that recognizes his talent not only in pay but in position and accolades. He is a hard worker with a variety of skills and would be an asset to any company that hires him. I hope that he finds a place that appreciates the skills he has to offer.

6) I took part of a week to visit my BFF and then took another week to visit my Dad. It was nice to spend time with the people I love, but it was even better returning home to a DH who missed us and wanted nothing more than to have his wife and children back in his home and in his arms.

7) We hosted Thanksgiving for all of DH's family (becoming a tradition). Everyone was able to attend this year. The joy of Thanksgiving is that while some seats are vacated by the nephews who joined the military and started families of their own, those seats are now filled with the next generation of cousins. We had 4 children under the age of 7 sitting around our Thanksgiving table this year. To hear the sound of children running through the house, to hear their laughter, brought such joy and happiness to the festivities and reminded me of all that for which I am thankful!

8) Christmas is fast approaching and I have much to do in preparation. We have 2 little ones this year for whom Santa must stop. The awe and wonder I already see in their faces as they excitedly point out "there's MORE Christmas" on each decorated house we drive past warms my heart. Even in the midst of some personal struggles, how can one look at those faces and not feel the energy radiating from their entire beings? Last year Christmas was hard for me. I muddled through but for some reason never felt the same excitement I felt in the past. I expected to feel so happy as we prepared to share our daughter's first Christmas home. I let too many things get in the way of experiencing that happiness. This year I am determined that Christmas will be for me what it has always been...a time of joy, happiness, love, excitement, energy, family, and celebration. I have a beautiful home in which to celebrate this Advent Season. I have a wonderful family with whom to share it. We have the means to make this year memorable. I look forward to meeting this year's Christmas season head-on and with reckless abandon!!!! I'm ready to pull the decorations out.....look out DH, Christmastime is HERE!!!!!!

9) Ah...and then the New Year..........

WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT!!!!!!!

Progress

2009-10-20T13:53:00.001-07:00

The psychologist finally called at a time when I was home and actually answered the phone.....

I have an appointment scheduled for this week!

I think I feel relief right now but I'm sure come Thursday afternoon my anxiety will hit an all-time high! Funny thing is I was most nervous about the phone conversation because I was afraid she would ask me why I felt I needed to see her. While I have a list a mile long I just kept invalidating MYSELF and telling myself that she would simply tell me, over the phone, that there is nothing wrong with me and that it would be a waste of my time and hers to meet. To my surprise she asked me no such questions. I had talked myself out of calling her for the longest time for this simple reason and it never even became a factor. Such is my life......I psych myself out of the simplest things for irrational reasons that obviously never come to fruition! And then I wonder if my need to see a psychologist is real.... LOL!

Please Don't Assume.....

2009-10-20T12:13:00.001-07:00

.....that my sometimes negative opinions of adoption are because I had a bad adoption experience!

Life with my AP's was wonderful! I loved them...they loved me! I miss my a-Mom terribly since she passed away in 2003! I worry daily about my a-Dad and his health and know that he too will leave a huge hole in my heart when he is gone.

But no...my AP's and my life in their home was NOT perfect. They made many of the same mistakes as parents raising biological children. I certainly can point to some of their mistakes as possible reasons for my sometimes neurotic personality and negative feelings about adoption. But I also know that not all my opinions about adoption ARE based on my own experiences. A lot of my opinions are based on ethics (or the lack thereof), the treatment and eventual coercion of many natural parents to give their children up for adoption, and what, after truly digging deep within my soul, I decided is right and wrong with the system as a whole. Very few of my opinions are based on PERSONAL experience!

So....if I post an idea or concept foreign to AP's, please do not ask for an explanation or wait for a personal story to support that opinion before accepting it as valid or rational.

All adoptions are different. All circumstances leading up to adoption are different. All adoptive families are different. All adoptees are different. Some adoptees feel more strongly about certain topics than others. For some this is based on personal experience. For others this is based on research. For still others this is based on conscience and inner struggles.

The feelings of adoptees should not need substantiation in order to be deemed real and honest. If an adoptee chooses to provide evidence to support their opinion then that is up to the adoptee. If the next adoptee chooses to just voice an opinion without offering personal experience as proof, AP's need to still accept those feelings as true and in turn respect the adoptee for sharing those thoughts!

Adoptees do not demand personal stories from AP's to support their positive opinions of adoption. Why should AP's not afford adoptees the same respect?!

If You Don't Want to Know.....

2009-10-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

.....DON'T ASK!

I am so sick and tired of AP's who ask for adoptee opinions regarding certain subjects who then either disagree with that opinion, discredit that opinion by citing the thousands of adoptees they know who DON'T feel the same way, or who completely ignore the opinion once posted.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR **MY** TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION THEN DON'T ASK ME FOR MY OPINION CUZ YOU JUST MIGHT NOT LIKE THE ANSWER!!!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ANSWER YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT BECAUSE IT'S **MY** ANSWER BASED ON **MY** EXPERIENCES, **MY** LIFE, **MY** WORLD, AS **I** SEE IT! YOU DON'T LIKE IT? YOU WANT THE RAINBOWS AND PUPPY DOGS, HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER VERSION? TOUGH!

Feeling Stuck

2009-10-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

My life seems to be in a rut right now.

The excitement and relief I felt at my a-Dad's response to my e-mail about searching for my Mom lasted about 2 days. I discovered I need a notary for the form from NY requesting non-ID info and just have not moved forward since. I hate that I was so excited and then *poof* - it's gone.

I sent an e-mail to a psychologist, never heard back from her and never followed up. DH called her for me 2 weeks ago, she returned the call, leaving a message with DH for me to call her back. I finally worked up the nerve to call her back, left a message for her to call me, she called the same day, leaving a message with DH AGAIN for me to call her back. That was last Thursday. I have yet to call her. For me to call ANYONE takes such an act of courage and I really have to get my psyche in the right place, and it was there....LAST THURSDAY. Today......not so much.

Laundry has piled up...2 bathrooms need to be cleaned...toys are everywhere...the freezer is empty.......I go in spurts that last about 6 hours. I get as much as humanly possible accomplished in 6 hours, collapse in a state of exhaustion, patting myself on the back for a job well done, and then in celebration, put off getting to the next chore for 2 weeks, while things continue to pile up around me.

I feel like I'm in a terrible cycle that just keeps getting worse and worse the longer I neglect it. With every passing day I feel like my list for the psychologist gets longer and longer and yet my drive to call her and actually set something up comes and goes.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything normal again. I'm not sure where that "normal" would begin. At birth? At my adoption? At marriage? At the death of my a-Mom? At the adoption of my daughter? I just don't know. I just feel STUCK!

"Given Up", "Abandoned", "Relinquished", or "Placed"? Thoughts?

2009-09-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Quite some time ago I posted my thoughts regarding the terms "birth mother", "biological mother", "first mother", and "natural mother". However discussion over proper semantics and language when referring to adoption does not stop there.

Just recently I found myself considering how best to describe the Natural Parent's role in an adoption. Do they give their child up for adoption? Do they abandon their child? Is it an act of relinquishment? Or do they simply place their child for adoption? I think depending on the person and their state of mind at the time, each of these terms might be appropriate. I've heard arguments from all sides explaining their use of one or more of these terms.

AP's seem to lean toward the term "placed". I think for AP's this term has a nice ring to it and it sounds neater and prettier when thinking about the Natural Parent. It makes it more of a willing choice on the NP's part. It takes away the fear and discomfort of thinking that the Natural Parents were coerced. "Why, of course 'our birthmother' wasn't coerced. She made the decision to 'PLACE' _____ on her own"

Adoptees tend to choose the word "abandoned" because that is what they feel most accurately describes what happened to THEM. Even if they learn that their Natural Parents were coerced they still feel it was an act of abandonment, betrayal. This person who was supposed to love them unconditionally turned around and walked away leaving them to be raised by mere strangers. Unfortunately for many that's just how it feels and quite honestly, NOTHING can change those feelings of grief, loss, and abandonment.

Now, Natural Parents, I recently learned, tend to prefer the term "gave up". Similar to the reasons why adoptees say they were "abandoned", many Natural Parents feel the term "gave up" most appropriately describes what happened....they gave their child up for adoption. When looking at the definition, it fits. The term suits for situations that either involve or do not involve coercion. It certainly makes more sense than "placed" which devalues the grief and pain experienced by the Natural Parent. It certainly makes more sense than "abandoned" as many Natural Parents mourn the loss of their child and hope in their hearts their child NEVER feels abandoned as a result of their decision. "Relinquished" sort of makes sense. After all, it's a synonym for the word "give up". I think for some it just sounds too sterile and more like actually GIVING up, resisting the fight, walking away.

Despite understanding the Natural Parent's explanations for using the term "give up" I recently discovered that I HATE that term. To me, being given up for adoption doesn't just mean handed over...it means that my Mom GAVE UP! It means she stopped fighting. It means she truly DID turn her back on me and walk away. In truth, being "given up" means I was "abandoned".

Only, at this point in my life I need to believe something else. I need to believe she DID fight. I need to believe she WANTED me with all her heart and soul, but just "lost me". I need to believe that she lost as much as I lost when she lost ME. I need to believe that I mattered enough and was worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears she lost in the fight to keep me even though she still lost. I need to believe that I was NOT "placed", that I was NOT "abandoned", "relinquished" or "given up". I NEED to believe that I was merely "lost" and that someday, when we find our way back to each other, that we will both be made whole once again.

Thinking They Could Make a Difference

2009-08-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

There are few things in this world that effect me so deeply and personally that I actually react physiologically. Today, one of those few times occurred.

As I read through an AP's post I began to feel my breathing become more heavy, my body begin shaking, and my heart start beating practically out of my chest. The room began spinning as my brain tried to wrap itself around what I was reading.

The words that hit me like a ton of bricks.....7 years old, little hope of returning home, nothing more the professionals can do, residential treatment, more than anyone or any organization can handle.

Is this true? How can this be? What trauma must this poor child have suffered to have reached the end of the line? The end of all possible hope? Just those words....just those thoughts bring tears to my eyes.

I understand parents doing all within their power for their children and that some situations just require more than any one family can provide. And at the risk of sounding judgmental of those families who call it quits maybe sooner than even they imagined, I wonder at what point is it really OK to throw in the towel and say this is it...nothing more can be done?

I ask these questions knowing full-well the ramifications of living with a troubled child. I know the ramifications because I lived it as the SISTER to one of these children. For 7 years I lived with an older brother who did everything possible to get himself kicked out of our family. No sense waiting around for the inevitable to happen when lying, cheating, stealing, getting kicked out of school, running away, and abusing me helped achieve that outcome faster. In the end the same thing happened that he expected to happen. He knew he was a failure. He knew he was broken. Worst of all, he knew he was unlovable. And sure...our parents tried...at least as much as we could recognize "trying" through our eyes as children. They disciplined him, pounded into him their expectations and the consequences of breaking those expectations, and I'm sure loved him as much as their hearts were able. But in the end the love they showed him was not enough to break through the shell of a child who considered himself unlovable. The many trips to the juvenile delinquent center proved to him what he already knew. They gave up on him...he gave up on himself.

So, when was enough really enough? Should it have been sooner than 7 years? Later? Was sending him to Juvenile Hall considered "tough love" or was it "giving up?" As the sister who suffered at HIS hands, I wish more had been done. Perhaps at the time I breathed a sigh of relief when we waved goodbye to him for a final time. But now, today, THIS day I wish they fought a little harder, tried a little longer, did for him the UNEXPECTED through keeping him home and insisting that all was NOT lost and that they would not, COULD NOT, be broken by a child who had already been broken more times than they could count.

I will be honest and say that I believe our parents adopted my brother thinking that somehow THEY could save him...THEY would defy the odds and break through where all others failed. I think all AP's (including my parents) need to go into ANY adoption, whether with a troubled child or not, with the expectation that lives are not perfect and that children experience all different situations when in the homes of other people, whether with their Natural Parents, Foster Parents, or in an orphanage and regardless of how long they spent elsewhere. All children are different, all homes are different, all situations are different. There is no telling how a child will respond when thrown into a new family and home. AP's need to be prepared for all the possible outcomes that might arise when they welcome a new child into the family. They need to take the time necessary to prove to their child that they DO love them and that they will not, CAN NOT, give up on them as their child expects, almost WANTS, them to do.

He Replied!!!!

2009-08-20T13:19:00.001-07:00

Well, probably just within minutes of my earlier post, Daddy sent a reply to my e-mail! I totally lost it as I cried and shook for several minutes before even opening the darn thing! When I did I couldn't even read it. I had to forward it to myself on my other computer so I could send DH an IM letting him know! Only then did I take a minute to read through his response! AND IT WAS GOOD (I had to convince C that Mommy was crying happy tears and there was no need for her to get upset).

First, he was very supportive in his response, letting me know that he would do all he can to help me search. He apologized that he doesn't have much information, and probably what he does have won't help, but just the fact that he took the time to get back to me and provide me with some small clues about where to begin means the world to me!!!!

His exact words...he would be happy to help me try to make contact with my birth mother. Not just search mind you...MAKE CONTACT!!!! He informed me that I was adopted through Albany County Department of Social Services. I was in an institution and apparently needed a home fairly quickly. He said they were very secretive and would not even tell them where I was born. The only reason Mommy and Daddy suggested my birth name was Irene was because when they adopted me I arrived with some medication that had the name "Irene" listed on the bottle. However, at this point he is not sure if that was the name given me by my Mom or if it was an alias provided by the orphanage so that my parents and their families would not be able to find me. He has some other paperwork he will look through for information, but doubts any of it will help.

I cannot believe the weight I feel lifted off my shoulders! He KNOWS I want to search! And he's OK!!!!! His response did not come across as anxious or upset or hurt in any way. He is "happy" to help me search!!!!! I have spent my entire afternoon looking through registries, listing my info on registries, googling different orphanages and institutions open in 1976/1977 (I was born in 1974 but not adopted until late 1976/early 1977). As Daddy suggested, our first place to start is by calling Albany County Department of Social Services. I have also started registering with ISRR (International Soundex Reunion Registry) and filling out the form requesting "Non-Identifying Information" from the State of NY (they don't make it easy...I NEED A NOTARY!!!). I'm not sure if I'll ever sleep again! My friends at AAAFC all assured me that this frenzy is normal and that life will pretty much be put on hold while I search! Sorry girls...sorry DH!

I just cannot describe how I feel right now. Give me a couple days to come down off cloud 9. I'm sure many right now would think I was going a little crazy just to have gotten a response from Daddy after letting him know I'm ready to search. But folks...let me tell you...if you knew me in person you would KNOW what a big deal it was that I sent that e-mail on Monday, and, for me, what an even BIGGER deal it is to now know that biggest hurdle is behind me!!!!! I'M FREE!!!!!!

Sinking In

2009-08-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

The gravity of what I did on Monday is finally sinking in. The numerous possible outcomes plague my heart and soul every waking AND sleeping moment of my day.

Will Daddy even see my e-mail? He checks his e-mail so infrequently...what if he never sees it? And how will I know if he does? Will he respond immediately upon reading it? Will he wait to gather his thoughts before replying? Will he simply put together all the information he has and just quietly ship it to me with no warning?

And to that...what information DOES he have? He MUST know the agency or organization through which he adopted me! But what information, if any, does he have about my Mom? Supposedly she sent my parents a letter a year after I was adopted. Does he still have that or was it thrown away and forgotten as an insignificant piece of MY history?! More importantly than any bit of information he has, does he know her NAME? All I really want...all I've ever wanted...is her name! WHO IS SHE????? Why, on God's green earth, do I not know the name of the woman who gave birth to me? WHY????

All these questions got me thinking about the world of adoption as I know it (here is where all the AP's who read my blog need to start paying attention). So many times I read and hear AP's discuss how open they are with their children about their adoption. They talk about this openness thing in the same breath they utter THE phrase. You know the one. The one that means they are open to discussing adoption with their children. Yeah...I know you know. THAT phrase. The "our children will always know that when they are ready to talk about their adoption and ask questions we will be here for them. All they need to do is ask" UH-HUH! THAT PHRASE!!!!! "ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS ASK!"

Well, guess what Moms and Dads. It's WAY easier for YOU to say than it is for us "children" to do! My parents used that phrase. They had 1, maybe 2, real, "honest", "lengthy" conversations with me about my adoption. They ended the conversation(s) with "if you ever want to search or ever want to know more about you Mom all you have to do is ask. We can help you with anything you need." Aaaahhhh yes. Sure. Do you know how old I am? That phrase was used on me when I was 16 years old. I am now 35 years old and still know nothing about my adoption OR my natural family! And what's worse? I feel AWFUL for having asked! It took every ounce of courage in my being to send the e-mail I sent on Monday! I am 35 years old and still worry about hurting my Daddy by asking about my adoption. Why? Why should I be so scared? After all, I'M 35 YEARS OLD!!!!

I'm scared because I don't want to hurt him. I'm scared because I don't want him to think I don't love him anymore. I'm scared because I don't want him to relive the pain he and Mommy likely faced before making the decision to adopt. I'm scared because I don't want him to be angry with me for asking. I'm scared because we didn't openly discuss adoption in my family and I don't know if that's because THEY didn't want to talk about it or because I NEVER ASKED!

So please, Please, PLEASE...whatever AP's are reading who want to "get it" and want to "do the right thing" for their children....PLEASE discuss adoption with your children! No matter how hard it is for YOU, just remember how much harder it is for your child! They have the weight of being perfect, of not hurting Mommy and Daddy, on their shoulders. YOU are the adult...allow your child to be a child. Don't place the adult burden of seeking their OWN information on them when they are so young. Talk about it. Allow them to live it. It IS who they are...it IS how they joined the family! PUSH for it to be real...PUSH for it to be discussed!

In these last few years of research,I have never ONCE heard an adoptee express that their parents talked TOO much about adoption. I HAVE, however, heard on more than one occasion, adoptees express pain and sadness that adoption was NOT discussed more openly and honestly in their home.

So, the gravity of what I accomplished on Monday is finally sinking in! At 35 years old I finally said "I have a right to know and I HAVE A RIGHT TO ASK!" If only my parents had made it easier for me........

Hurdle #1 - JUMPED!

2009-08-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

Not as gracefully or smoothly as I hoped, but I jumped it nonetheless!

I sent Daddy an e-mail today telling him that I'm ready to start searching for my Mom. There might have been a hint of "asking permission" in my words, but really it was just straightforward with an "I'm ready to do this and am prepared for the hurt" feel to it.

My Daddy is a strong man who shows very little emotion. I know he loves me...he tells me that all the time. And I know he cares for me more than words could ever express. He has always recognized my sensitive side and knows that I can sometimes take things harder than someone else might. For that reason, he has always tried to protect me from as much as he can control. When Mommy was dying of cancer he often minimized the severity of her disease and the pain she was feeling as it ravaged her body. Even the night she died he never suggested that the end was only hours away. When he had his own heart attack, 2 years after Mommy's death, he waited to call me until he was in the hospital, just hours from open heart surgery. He never asked that I come be with him, knowing how much I fear sickness, pain, and even death. Admittedly, it took his assistant pastor to call and encourage me to come before either he or I recognized the NEED for me to be there with him.

Knowing my Daddy, the details surrounding my adoption fall under this same category. He has protected me for as long as possible from the pain that might surface as a result of searching for my Mom. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to face that potential pain. I'm also ready to embrace that potential joy and freedom! And for that reason, I finally shared with him that whether it brings tears of joy or tears of sadness, I am now ready to know more about my Mom and her family!

Drum Roll Please.......

2009-08-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

That big conversation I was planning to have with Daddy....it never materialized. Partially cuz I'm a wimp...partially because I saw him maybe a total of 10 hours the whole time we were together, and only 2 1/2 of those hours were we alone! I got up a tiny bit of courage when we were driving to and from the grocery store together but before I could work up the nerve to start he began asking me about DH's job concerns and that was that...nerve just plain sucked right out of me. I could have also brought something up the 1/2 hour we were together in the car on our way to and from dinner Friday but that was our last evening together and I just couldn't bring myself to spring it on him with no other time to sit alone and talk after the fact.

Oh, I'm sure I could have forced a way to have the conversation. I probably could have just crawled up on his bed one afternoon and just poured out my heart. And we sure did enough talking about his girlfriend this past week that I'm sure it would have been a relief for him to talk about somthing ELSE. But, once again, I chickened out! It's all such a big, silly, cyclical mess! I won't really actively start searching until I talk to him about it but I won't talk to him about it because I'm either too nervous to break the news to him or I'm actually more anxious about searching and this is a passive-aggressive way to continue putting it off!

UGH!!! Why can't this be simple?! Why does being adopted have to be so stinking hard sometimes? It's situations like this that just make me HATE adoption! Natural kids don't have these issues...WHY DO I????????

I'm a Big Girl...He's a Big Boy....

2009-07-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

That's what finally occurred to me as I considered if I would EVER break it to my Daddy that I'm ready to search for my Mom.

I've always thought about whether I would ever look for my Mom. Ever since I was a teenager I thought about it for fleeting moments before the thought quickly vanished. It always seemed such an improbability. Excuses always came to mind for why I SHOULD not or WOULD not ever search. Excuses that always put everyone's feelings ahead of my own.

~I didn't want to hurt my parents
~I didn't want for my dying mother to think I was already looking for her replacement
~I didn't want to make my grieving Daddy think I had moved on so quickly after Mommy's death to eagerly look for someone or something new
~I didn't want to barge into and interfere with my Mom's life, especially had she moved on without sharing news of my existence with her family

I also was not ready to prepare myself for the worst. For not finding her, for finding she had died, for....REJECTION.

But something happened a few nights ago, somewhat in the wake of the Adoptee Rights Demonstration held on July 21 in Philadelphia (an event I was unable, for a variety of reasons, to attend). As I was laying in bed thinking about the emptiness I sometimes feel in my heart, the longing to know the person who brought me into this world, the enormous guilt I feel for even thinking such thoughts.....it occurred to me that I am 35 years old. I am not a child. And my Daddy, who I worry so much about and who I would hate to hurt in any way, is, in fact, an adult himself.

It finally dawned on me that if he has enough confidence in our relationship and love for one another to be upfront and honest about the new lady in his life, then why can't I be upfront and honest about my desire to finally know my Mom? I mean, after all these years, would it even really surprise him? Probably not!

So, I have reached a decision. Next week we will be on vacation with my Daddy. I hope, at some point during our time together, to sit down with him and have a real heart to heart. I hope to share with him how much he means to me, how much joy it brings me that he has found a lady with whom he finds happiness, and how, at 35 years old, I think I'm ready to take that first step in finding my Mom. I don't need his help...I know that. And honestly, I don't need his blessing, support, or encouragement. I don't NEED those things. But gosh, it sure would feel great moving forward if I had them. I don't NEED them...but I WANT them with every fiber of my being! And why not seek them? After all.....I'm a big girl and he's a big boy, right?!

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!

Officially Done....

2009-07-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

.....posting and reading at Bethany Christian Services Message Board.

I frequent 2 Message Boards on a fairly regular basis. I typically read and post wearing my AP hat when at BCS and wearing my adoptee hat at AAAFC. More often than not I leave my other hat at the door, as I recognize my status as an AP can make many of my adoptee friends uncomfortable while some of my views as an adoptee can make some AP's uncomfortable. However, on rare occasions, I find it necessary to don my adoptee hat while at BCS in order to provide a different perspective to a particular discussion (I don my AP hat on even rarer occasions at AAAFC because no one really ever asks for the AP perspective on a particular topic, nor do I feel it necessary for adoptees to UNDERSTAND the AP perspective).

So, 2 threads started at BCS, one entitled "Needing a Break from Adoption", the other regarding the need to open ourselves up to the perspective of "anti-adoption". Some of the posts in both these threads really rubbed me the wrong way. AP's began expressing discomfort at reading the hard-core negative stuff about adoption. They began relating "anti-adoption" only to natural parents, once again leaving the adoptee perspective completely on the sidelines.

Foolishly I decided to respond to the thread about "needing a break". I posted my previous 2 posts from this blog. And guess what?! After 569 views and 29 posts (2 of which were mine, as post #24 and post #27) the thread seems to have fizzled. Surprise, SURPRISE!!!! An adoptee adds her perspective that might make a few AP's squirm a little in their seats and the thread dies!

As you can tell, I am NOT surprised. But I'm still angry! Angry that these AP's seem to always WANT the adoptee perspective, but then when it's there for all of them to see they turn a blind eye. I've raised this issue on more than one occasion and all I seem to get is "oh, it happens to everybody. People very rarely respond to my posts!" Oh, is that right?! Your thoughts are directly responsible for ending nearly every thread in which you post? If I had time or an interest, I would go back and find each thread in which I posted as an adoptee and find where my post falls compared to the number of total posts in the thread. I can guarantee that over 80% of my posts, when written from the adoptee perspective, end the thread within 4 or 5 posts of my own.

So, I'm done. I'm done opening myself up just to feel rejected OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I'm done trying to educate, as it's impossible to educate those not interested in being educated!

Oh well, I guess such is life. I kind of feel relieved knowing it's over. It's kind of like a bad relationship that keeps going and going and going because no one is strong enough to finally call it quits, but when they do, a huge weight is removed and a great peace ensues! That's how I feel.....AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

AP's "Needing a Break From Adoption...."

2009-07-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

.....UGH!

Last week I posted that I am just "tired" of all this adoption stuff. And I am...I mean "stick a fork in me...." because I'm DONE!!!!

But of course there is that rational side of me that knows no matter how sick, tired, and done I am with adoption stuff, it will always be there.

It will always be there because first, I'm adopted! That pretty much says it all. I CAN'T get away from it because 33 years ago several people made a decision on my behalf, about which I had zero say! My Mom, a social worker, my a-parents...some or all of these people decided FOR me, that my life would be better with my AP's than with my Mom. Unfortunately we will never know the truth to that assumption because an irreversible decision was made that affected my life and will continue to affect my life AND the lives of those around me until the end of my being.

Adoption will also always be there because I adopted!!! As an AP I have a responsibility to keep adoption research, information, statistics, and ethics at the forefront of my life. I cannot take a break from adoption because I owe it to my children to keep myself informed. I owe it to my children to KNOW what and how their Moms felt when they relinquished so that I can share with them how much they are truly loved and missed. I owe it to my children to KNOW the challenges they might face as a result of their emotions so that some day I can sit and cry with them without judging the validity of their thoughts. I owe it to my children to accept that they might hate me and that they might hate adoption. I owe it to my children to understand the importance of developing a relationship with their Mom and their natural family and then guiding them in building that relationship. I owe it to my children to keep myself informed so that when they have questions or issues that need answering or addressing I am there for them, either able to hold their hands and lead them in the right direction, or to merely show them where to search and find answers for themselves. I owe it to my children to know where THEY can go when they choose to not talk to me about their pain, sadness, loneliness, and fear.

Yes, being an AP is not always a picnic in the park, and I do not begrudge anyone feeling as if they "need a break" from adoption, but you know what?! My children will NEVER get a break. As their parent, I made a choice on their behalf. Because of that choice, I owe it to my children to face the pain of just KNOWING!!!!

Tired

2009-07-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since my last post. I guess I've just been TIRED! Tired of all this adoption stuff. Tired of it all just being there in front of me when really I just wish it would go away. But it won't go away. EVER.

Before we decided to adopt I never thought about it, never cared about it, never considered the ethics, the grief, the pain associated with it. It was just something people did to grow their family and was perfectly normal, acceptable, and RIGHT! It was the GOOD and DECENT thing to do. However, adopting as an adoptee opened my eyes to a whole world that, honestly, at this point in my life is just so life-draining and depressing.

I'm so happy to have my daughters in my life and, even knowing what I know now, wouldn't change a thing in the world, despite this overwhelming sadness that envelopes me from time to time.

But I'm still TIRED! I want one day in my life to NOT be about adoption. I want just one day in my life to be about belonging and knowing.

I'm just TIRED!

Tired of missing someone I may never know.
Tired of wishing I knew a person who might not even remember me or want a relationship with me.
Tired of thinking "maybe today I'll do it...maybe today I'll start the search" and then walking away, once again.
Tired of feeling drawn to those stories and videos showing the immeasurable grief associated with relinquishing a child.
Tired of putting myself into the shoes of EVERY child ever adopted and wishing for something different for them...for me.
Tired of feeling silenced by the adoptive parents who just really don't want to know the truth.
Tired of feeling like a traitor to the adoptees who knew the truth about adoption way before I even knew a "fog" existed.
Tired of looking at my daughter and wondering if our openness with her about her adoption will help prevent her from becoming me.
Tired of associating every little cry, every little unhappy toddler moment, every bit of defiance with attachment and adoption and worrying that I screwed my daughter up from day one.
Tired of wondering what is wrong with me.
Tired of thinking that everything I do is a failure.
Tired of chalking my negative self-worth up to being adopted.
Tired of guessing what she looks like, sounds like, acts like.
Tired of thinking about HER......

Just....

TIRED!

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

2009-03-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

You Are Doing WHAT?!

2008-12-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

Lately I've found myself disgusted by the concept of "adoption disruption".

First of all..."disruption"? Puhlease!!!! Let's not be so PC when referring to the "giving back" of an adopted child! It is true that the "return" of an adopted child is a disruption for the child. No arguments there. As one definition shows, disruption certainly defines well what is happening FOR THE CHILD - "To throw into confusion or disorder" seems about perfect in this usage! The problem for me is that when a-parents use the term disruption they do so because it sounds prettier than "return", "give back", "let go", etc. So, for those people, let's call it what it IS! It is the removal of a child from your home because YOU can no longer cope with the downside of adoption!

Secondly..."adoption disruption"? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! This concept angers me to the core! More often than not the children involved in disrupted adoptions are children adopted at an older age who learned quite quickly, through no fault of their own, that the only person on whom they can rely in their life is themselves! They are then thrown headfirst into a family who wanted nothing more than to have a child to call their own. When this child does not reciprocate the joy and excitement of joining his/her new family as expected, circumstances take a serious turn for the worse! Because these parents refuse to accept any responsibility for the child's reaction to their family and because they choose not to empathize with the pain and fear exhibited through the child's behavior, a-parents lean on diagnoses such as RAD, ODD, and OCD to label their anguished, scared, hurting, and confused child. And once these labels come along the child ceases to become a child, but rather a falsely advertised product!

"I wasn't told there was a history of abuse!" "I didn't know the child had been abandoned 3 times prior." "The agency failed to inform that the child showed signs of RAD and ODD." "What am I supposed to do when a child threatens to murder me in my sleep?" "I must protect my family and my marriage." On and on and on the defenses go! But you know what?! YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A CHILD!!!! A damaged, scared, hurting child! Don't tell me not to judge you until I walk in your shoes! How about walk in your child's shoes for just 1 FREAKING day!!! How dare you put your own wants, needs, desires, and dreams above that of the child you welcomed into your home! How DARE you!!!

Adoption disruption - where's the bucket?!

Please Don't Tell Me What a Bad and Difficult Child I Am/Was

2008-11-17T07:09:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading the book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge. I intend to elaborate more on my thoughts about the book and perhaps even dedicate a separate post to each of the "Twenty Things" and how they relate to my personal adoption experience and that of my adopted daughter. However, this past week I discovered a twenty-FIRST thing I wish MY a-Dad knew.....

"Please Don't Tell Me What a Bad and Difficult Child I Am/Was"

Adoptees already face the heartbreaking fear that in some way we did something terribly wrong to result in our relinquishment. Did we cry too much? Were we always sick? Did we have major temper tantrums? Were we too demanding? Were we unlovable? Ugly? Sad? Not easily entertained or amused? Did we not smile or laugh? So much goes through an adoptee's mind of what we might have done differently, even as a small baby, to make our Moms love us and want to keep us.

When my a-Dad announced on more than one occasion this week that I was "a very taxing child" I began wondering if perhaps that was the case even BEFORE I was adopted. Is that why my Mom chose to "get rid of me"? Had I worn her ragged in my 2 short years of life and made her decide she wasn't capable of raising me? For so long I was led to believe my relinquishment was such a loving choice on her part! But was it? Or was it a personally selfish choice because I was a difficult baby?

Imagine my sadness this week as I've considered the idea that I displayed such deplorable behavior worthy of bringing up even 30 years later! I mean, what am I supposed to do with that information? Am I to apologize for putting my a-Parents through such hardships in raising me? Am I to become defensive and declare that I thought parents knew, when deciding to start a family, that their children might not always be perfect? Am I to extend my deepest gratitude for them muddling through and keeping me after my Mom clearly chose not to keep her horrendously disobedient baby?! I mean really, if I was that bad I'm sure they were well within their rights to just give up on me too. And if they made the decision to fight the hard fight of bending and molding me to their will, why still hold me accountable 30 years later?

Oddly enough, I do not remember being a bad child. As a matter of fact, I seem to recall the exact opposite. But now I wonder...was I so horrifically awful that I'm repressing those memories? Or is it natural for children to think they never do wrong thus are ultimately unable or even unwilling to acknowledge their shortcomings? I don't know because I would be the first to tell you that my relationship with my a-family was less than pretty during my late adolescent young-adult years, due mostly to bad decisions made on my own part. I can acknowledge that I gave them a pretty good run for their money after I started college. But honestly, prior to those years, I cannot point to a single thing that I ever did that was so terrible.

But there's the paradox. While I can't remember my failings as a child, clearly I had some. And how my heart aches at the thought that it was those very failings of which my a-Dad speaks that caused my Mom to abandon me.

"When Do/Don't You Talk About Adoption Post-Placement?"

2008-09-29T04:04:00.000-07:00

This was a question posted on a Message Board I frequent. The OP's actual question was:

"At what point do you talk about adoption with strangers? And do you do so more if your child looks nothing like you (where it might be obvious or more obvious that he/she is adopted)? I'm a TMI kind of girl sometimes...like if someone says to me 'I like your necklace!' I'll respond, 'Thanks! I wanted it for so long! Then I found it in Clearance at Macy's for just $5! And it's Tommy H!' I just get excited and I'm a really open person.... I don't want to transfer this to adoption b/c I don't [want] to just scream 'adoption' all the time.... Thoughts?"

I was a little disheartened that some AP's suggested that they don't bring up their child's adoption with strangers at all, while others fear they do so maybe too much; some just say "Thank you" when receiving comments about how good they look for just having had their baby; others answer "Yes" when asked if their baby has his/her Daddy's eyes; still others even answer "Yep" when asked if they had a lot of heartburn while pregnant because their baby has so much hair. Their responses were well-intentioned, as most of these AP's were concerned that talking about their child's adoption too much would label them or would take away from them sharing their OWN adoption story. But after reading SO many of these same responses professing that they had no intention of denying their child's adoption, but rather were protecting their CHILD, it became more and more concerning to me that some AP's seemingly appeared to ENJOY receiving credit for having created their child! After so many of these same responses I finally jumped in as an adoptee and posted the following:

I think from the perspective of the adoptee it's better to be open and honest. I don't mean you tell your child's entire story to perfect strangers, as it IS your child's story to tell. I mean that when someone comments on how good you look for just having had a baby or on the amount of heartburn you experienced because of all the baby's hair, it's perfectly appropriate to inform that person your child was adopted. You see, to just say "thank you" or "yup" in response does the exact opposite of what you are trying to convey. It DOES come across as trying to cover the fact that your child was adopted. I believe you can simply answer with "Thank you. That's very kind. Honestly, we welcomed our child into our home ____ months ago through adoption, and we feel so blessed that he/she is a part of our family." Simple, polite, to-the-point, HONEST. That's all that needs to be said.

I understand and respect the concern of labeling your child as adopted by sharing with everyone that he/she is in fact adopted. But really, the label concern comes in when you introduce your child as "this is my adopted child _____" or when you wish to receive accolades for your sacrifice and kind-heartedness in bringing someone else's child into your home (not that I believe ANYONE here hopes for such commendations...I know just the opposite is true).

Here's some personal experience....
~First, my parents never directly spoke to me about being adopted until, at 7 years old, I overheard my Mom telling a postal worker about my adoption. Imagine the confusion and sadness I felt at overhearing my story being told to someone not even directly connected to our family (we lived in a small town, so it was likely my Mom knew this postal worker as more than just an acquaintance, but still....). I cannot remember any discussions taking place, even after that, until I was 16, and even then it wasn't exactly an "open for discussion" kind of talk. More of an "I'm sharing with you all we know so don't bother asking anymore" type of talk (just the impression I got).
~Second, from as early as I can remember, even after learning I was adopted, the response we gave when people asked where I got my red hair was "from God." When a car salesman commented that he knew where I got my good looks my Mom and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. That moment was SO awkward for me because I felt that we were hiding something with which I should have felt comfortable and at peace. And sure...I was 17 or 18 years old then...I COULD have made my own decision to say something to him, but because my Mom and Dad never shared that info with people it made me uncomfortable to do so in their presence, out of fear of hurting them. I never felt it WAS my story to share. I felt it was my parent's pain and sadness of infertility that I had to help hide.

So, basically, by being honest even with those unsolicited, off-the-cuff, sometimes rude, "none of their business" type comments, you are showing your child that it's OK to talk and be honest about how he/she joined the family. I believe it better to start off with sharing that your child is adopted and THEN allow your child, as he/she gets older, to decide if it's something he/she wants shared with anyone who asks. So often we say that it's our child's story to tell, but if our child doesn't know, from example, that it's OK to share their story, then it becomes a family secret that your child feels uncomfortable and even embarrassed sharing. Honesty, on the parent's part, from the beginning, removes the burden of secrecy from the child.

As is usually the case when I respond to an AP's thread wearing my adoptee hat, there were only a couple direct responses to me before the thread sort of fizzled out. Oh well...at least I offered my $.02 and while people might not respond hopefully they at least read my thoughts!

I Wonder....

2008-07-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

....If my Natural Mom really DID love me. Like REALLY love me. The way a Mom is supposed to love her child. Or, like Juno, did she just view me as a "ball of cells", an "it"? I have seen more than one teenager get pregnant and choose to parent her child. I have seen these same teenagers become young adults almost instantaneously as they look into the eyes of their innocent and helpless newborn baby! Babies do miraculous things to those young women so many consider too young, too immature, to poor... So I just wonder if the same was true for MY Mom? Did her life and priorities change when I was born? Did she truly love me with that same love that I see these young women, who were equally not ready to be parents, give to their babies?

....If my Natural Mom made the decision to relinquish me in her own time, in her own way, on her own terms. Was she coerced? Convinced that she was failing me by some government bureaucracy? Was I taken away by cover of darkness? Dragged out of her arms as she pleaded for one more chance? Or did she just throw her hands up in surrender and relish the thought of a future without the burden of ME? What was that day like for her? For me? Were we happy? Sad? Overwhelmed? Relieved?

....What happened my first 2 years of life, in which my Mom chose to parent me. Was I a good baby? A happy baby? Did I cry a lot? Did I make her life stressful? Did she nurse me? Hug me? Hold me? Tickle me? Did we giggle with one another and make each other smile? Did I know her as Mommy? Who was she to me, and who was I to her?

....About my personality, my character traits, my talents, my looks, my history. Who do I look like? Who do I take after? Where did I get my musical talents? Where did I get my red hair and freckles? Why am I shy, quiet, introverted? Was my personality formed through nature or nurture? Am I anxious, fearful, worried as a result of my adoption and those things that happened later in my life or as a result of heredity? Do I love to laugh, play, have fun because I was born with those genes or because the parents who raised me did so in a carefree, fun-loving manner?

....If my Mom thinks about me, wants to know me, told anyone about me. Did she move on with her life? Did she graduate from High School? College? Did she have other children? Get married? Divorced? Married again? Is she even alive? Has she tried looking for me? If I were to find her would she welcome me into her life and her family or would she request no future contact? Where is she? Who is she? Is she still my Mom or is she just a woman who happened to give birth to me 34 years ago and has since forgotten about that part of her life?

....If I have any siblings. Do they know about me? Were they too relinquished for adoption never to be known or heard from again?

....About my grandparents. Do they know about me? Did they try to help raise me? Did they encourage my Mom to parent? Or did they lean her toward relinquishment? Did they love me and spoil me the way grandparents do or was I a burden to the entire family?

....About my Natural Dad. Did he EVER know about me? Did he care? Where is he? Who is he? What happened? Does he think about me or has he long since forgotten I ever existed?

....Why? Soooo many why's they cannot even be covered in this single post. Why was I relinquished? Why after 2 years rather than immediately after I was born? Why did my Mom not fight to keep me, to raise me, to love me?

The WONDER of it all....it makes my head spin and daily brings tears to my eyes! Will I ever learn the answers to my questions? Or will I be left to wonder? I guess, as with so many other questions in our lives...only time will tell........................

What It Means to Be Adopted

2008-07-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

I used to think it meant love - an amazing love shown to me both by my Natural Mom and by my a-parents. I used to think it meant chosen and special - a precious gift meant-to-be for a family longing desperately for a child to call their own. I used to think it meant happiness, joy, laughter, and fun - things I never would have felt were I not adopted. I used to think it meant honor and privilege - I received something those less fortunate than I never had the opportunity to experience - the love of a family who truly wanted me and who was more capable, thanks to maturity, marriage, and money, of caring for me than the adolescent who gave birth to me.

I used to think a lot of warm, fuzzy thoughts about being adopted. And sure, many people might still argue that those things listed above are still true. But as I've aged and as I entered the arena of adoption for the 2nd time in my life (this time by choice) I've learned that being adopted means SO much more than what I used to think.

Being adopted means...

Losing my family
Losing my history, both personal AND medical
Losing my identity with people who look like me, sound like me, SMELL like me, act like me
Losing the right to MY own documents, including a factual Birth Certificate naming the woman who gave birth to me as my mother
Depression
Sadness
Loneliness
Pain
Heartache
Grief
Loss
Shame
Self-loathing
Disappointment
Burdening others with my own desire to know more and have more
Searching not only for answers about my life prior to my adoption, but also searching for who I am and who I might yet become
Guilt for wanting more and for not always feeling grateful to my a-parents for rescuing me from a life "on the streets"
Fear of hurting the people I love including my husband, my daughter, my a-Dad, my Natural Mom
Fear of the unknown and of what I might find should I ever choose to search
Looking at my daughter every day KNOWING that someday, if not already, she too will experience these same feelings of loss, depression, sadness, loneliness, pain, heartache, grief, shame, self-loathing, disappointment, guilt, and fear

No, adoption has not ruined my life. My life is a roller coaster. There are ups and there are downs, as with anyone's life, whether they were adopted or not. Some days I hurt more than others and experience more negatives than positives when viewing my life as an adoptee. Other days I carry on barely spending a moment's thought on adoption.

It's a double-edged sword, really. I once wrote that I have chosen to not let my adoption define who I am. I have now come to the conclusion that I am, in reality, the person that I am today because I was adopted. I LIVE adoption. I BREATHE adoption. I AM adoption. I see it, hear it, KNOW it every time I look in the mirror, every time I look at my daughter. I love who I am, what I have become. I thank adoption for that. I hate how I feel, what I think. I thank adoption for that, too.

UGH...I Finally Saw Juno

2008-03-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

I finally saw Juno yesterday. For whatever reason I had been wanting to see it. I read the spoiler...I knew how it ended but still I just HAD to see what all the hype was about! It was a little like a train wreck...I kind of knew it would be bad but I just couldn't look away!

The short of it...I HATED IT!!!! LOATHED!!! DESPISED!!!! It left me heartbroken and SICK!!!! I've barely thought of anything else since watching it yesterday and I HATE THAT!!!! I've been away from the Adult Adoptee forum I visit for quite some time because I found myself feeling things I didn't enjoy feeling. I think things there are just a little TOO honest for me and I'm just not quite ready for that! I was safe and comfortable in my dream world before finding that forum and then all of a sudden I started seeing things within myself that I never knew existed...feelings and emotions I never knew were there! And I HATED THAT!!! I felt like a different person. Like someone I didn't even recognize. So I stopped going there! And life was good (don't get me wrong...I LOVE it there but I just CAN'T be there as much as I was before)! And then I went and watched this stupid movie!!!!

DH even asked, after the movie was over, why I wanted to see it! He thought, before we even went, that I would have a problem with the age of the character (she is 16 and my natural Mom was 14). He was afraid I would make a closer connection than even I realized I would make! Yet still we saw it. And I didn't cry...I didn't shed a tear. I sat there in disbelief at the callous language, feeling that dagger in my back twist with every reference to "it". I wanted...no...LONGED for Juno to just ONCE speak lovingly about the child she was carrying! All of a sudden, before I knew what was happening, I was hearing those words come out of her mouth as if she were speaking ABOUT ME!!! For the rest of the movie I sat there imagining how my natural mother talked about ME when she was pregnant. And my dream world just crumbled right around me! Sure, I wouldn't expect anything less from a pregnant teenager. But before seeing this movie I hadn't allowed myself to view that part of my life as a reality.

Going into this movie I thought I would have a much more difficult time with the natural mother references. I thought this movie would be more directed at the decisions Juno had to make and what influenced her to make the decisions she made. And yes...I left ticked off at her final decision and the idea that no one was REALLY there to help her! Sure, her BFF and step-Mom went with her to the doctor and were with her in the delivery room, but where was the HELP?! The real, professional, unbiased help?! Why wasn't there anyone there to tell her that if she wanted she COULD raise this baby just as well as the single woman to whom she gave him?! I found it despicable!

I DID find the character believable and the acting very well done! Obviously, just a bit TOO well done, considering I was unable to separate the movie from MY real-life!!! And it made me sad! I hated the story for the story! I couldn't say whether it should have been written any differently to shed a truer light on any particular experience because I have never walked in a natural parent's shoes. All I can say is from the perspective of an adoptee, it HURT!!! It hurt a lot!!!

"Adoptees Did You Want to Search for Your Bio Family?"

2008-03-01T08:02:00.000-08:00

The title of this post was the subject line of a forum thread I visited recently. The author was indicating that she would support her adopted children in searching for their natural family, should the interest ever arise. In fact her statement was: "i wonder if they will want to search for thier bio family. If so it is fine by us." Not a real warm and fuzzy feeling to me. I couldn't quite figure out if she was asking for an opinion or just stating her own intentions. As a result, I posted the following response...

I would like to KNOW my natural family but I have not and probably will NOT search. There are several factors influencing my decision....

1) At the age when I would have been most interested in searching my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She lived with it for 10 years! I could not imagine, during that time, going to her and asking for any information to help in my search for fear that she might think I was already looking to replace her.

2) After my Mom passed away there was no way I could go to my Dad and ask him for any information for the exact same reason as above...fear that he might think I was trying to find a replacement for my Mom.

MORE IMPORTANTLY THAN ANYTHING....

3) Concern for my natural mom's right to privacy. She was 14 years old when she gave birth to me. She was 16 years old when she relinquished me. 31 years have since passed. My hope and prayer for her is that she found someone to love her, got married, and started a family, moving on from the pain and sadness I presume she felt after making an adoption plan. It is within her right as my Mother to keep my existence to herself and not share it with her family, and as her daughter I owe her the right to maintain that confidentiality without blindsiding her or her family. Does that make sense? Basically I am saying that if she has chosen not to share with her family that she had a child who she relinquished for adoption then who am I to barge into her life and her family to announce my existence?!

4) Finally, FEAR...fear of what I might find should I search! Fear that she might be dead. Fear of rejection. Fear of breaking her heart all over again. Fear of opening old wounds that have long since healed, with only a faint scar as a reminder. Fear of who she might be and where she might be and what she might be (sometimes the fantasy is WAY better than real life). Fear...the worst reason of all to not search yet in my mind, perhaps the most REAL and HONEST reason!

Please keep in mind that those are the reasons that I have chosen not to search. They might be good reasons or they might NOT be good reasons, but they are MY reasons nonetheless.

BUT...also keep in mind that my reasons for not searching do NOT mean I don't want to KNOW!!! Should my natural Mom EVER choose to search for me and then find me, I would welcome her into my life with open arms! While inconceivable to me, I love a woman I have never met (OK...I met her and knew her for 2 years of my life...I just don't remember). I would love to meet her and know about her and her life since I've been gone. I cannot tell you what a blessing it would have been in my life had someone taken my hand, as you have the ability to do with your 2 children, and supported me in sorting through my feelings and ultimately searching for my Mother. YOU have that power with your adopted children.

My response to you is don't wait for THEM to come to you asking for help to search. Talk about it, plant the seed, make it clear from the beginning that this is something YOU support and YOU encourage and YOU will be there to help with WHEN (not IF) they are ready! The ball was put in my court as a teenager. IF I ever wanted more information my parents would help me. Problem is...the ball was in MY court and MY court was one full of guilt and fear and confusion and concern for OTHERS rather than myself! Ultimately those feelings won and I have never been able to build up enough courage to ask. So instead, I sit as an adult wondering...thinking about who she is and realizing that 2 years of my life are gone, never to be found again! All because I had a choice very few, if any, adopted CHILDREN would ever take. Choose to hurt my parents for my own gain? Or choose to continue living my life not knowing? The choice was easy. I can deal with my own pain but I can NOT deal with hurting someone else!

My plea to you is DON'T give your children the CHOICE!!! Don't put that pressure on them! When they are old enough just talk about it, make it real, and make them aware that they are not being asked to make a choice between hurting you or helping themselves. That there is NO choice for them to make...that you KNOW they want to search and that when they are ready you will be by their sides helping them in that search

I hope my response helps some other adoptive families as they consider whether to support their children in searching for their natural family! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for an adoptee to know that the people they fear hurting the most will be standing right by their side and holding their hands as they make this difficult step forward in their adoption journey!

A Name? Or is it a Label?

2007-12-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

I have come to realize that there are many different names by which people choose to call the woman who gave birth to them or to the child they adopted. I have even occasionally found myself somewhat caught up in the great terminology debate. As a child and young teenager I would often refer to my natural mom as my "real" mom. Not to take anything away from my adoptive mom...it was just the easiest way for me to distinguish between the two if I ever found myself in a conversation about my adoption. I must have eventually realized how demeaning such a term could be to my adoptive parents because at some point I began referring to my natural mom as my "biological" mom. It made sense to me...I was connected to her through biology so naturally she was my biological mom. And then I began the adoption process.

In the adoption classes DH and I attended we learned that the "proper" way to refer to a natural mom is to call her a "birth" mom. Again, this sort of made sense. She gave birth to the baby (me) so it seemed perfectly acceptable and appropriate to refer to her as birth mom. As you can see in my early posts on this blog, I embraced the term birth mom, even shortening it for the sake of writing, to b-Mom.

However, I soon realized that even the term "birth" mom resulted in negating a very important person's role in the whole adoption process. By simply calling her "birth" mom I am merely giving her credit for the birth. I am taking away from the effort she put into protecting me and raising me for 9 months while in her womb. I am also taking away from the natural instinct she felt as a parent...that instinct to nurture me, love me, and then make the hardest decision she probably ever made in her life. I am taking away from the grief she felt in making such a decision due to her natural connection to ME! Thus, I chose to begin referring to this very important woman, both in relation to me and to the child I am adopting (C), as our "natural" mom. And this feels a LITTLE better to me, but not entirely right either.

You see, I have decided that the only thing any of these names do is LABEL a person! A person to whom I have a very personal and direct connection. And it seems so IMpersonal and cold to constantly refer to someone using a label. I feel the same way when speaking about people of a different race or culture. Why must a person's position always be labeled? Why can't a person just be a person? We don't refer to the Moms of children NOT placed for adoption as "natural" mom or "birth" mom or "real" mom. Just...MOM! So why must we do so when referring to a child's mother...the woman who sustained life and then bore that life into the world? It seems preposterous to me. And I refuse to participate in it any longer.

From this point forward, when referring to C's Mom I will use her NAME!!! Because you know what?! SHE HAS A NAME and in order to honor her and her memory in her daughter's life I MUST refer to her using her name! When speaking of my own "natural" Mom, since I do not have a name, I will call her my Mom. I owe her that much. She loved me enough to give ME a name and to care for me for 2 years. In doing something so simple as calling her my Mom, I at least recognize those sacrifices she made as my Mom, if even for a short time.

Thankful for Life?

2007-11-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago, a thread popped up on an adoptee forum I visit. The author of the thread, an adoptee herself, offered to adoptees a suggestion for how we might celebrate November's National Adoption month. Her suggestion? To share our adoption testimonies while emphasizing our gratitude for our natural mothers choosing life over abortion. For the first time ever, another person, another fellow adoptee, telling me how I ought to feel about my life and my adoption really rubbed me the wrong way. This was an interesting experience for me. Immediately, upon reading her post, all those things that I once accepted and even believed for myself suddenly felt wrong.

As a teenager the concept that my natural mother had every right to terminate her pregnancy often occurred to me, and privately, inwardly I felt thankful that she chose for me to live. However, it never occurred to me that I should be pro-life for that reason...for my own gratitude at being given an opportunity to walk on this Earth. I resent being told that I SHOULD be pro-life for that reason. And I resent even more the concept that someone would use MY story to further THEIR agenda; the suggestion that I "be a voice for the unborn" because of my own experiences.

I will say right now, just for the record...I AM pro-life. BUT, I am pro-life because I believe in the sanctity of life, not because I am thankful I wasn't aborted. I agree with a natural mom's view that "abortion is an alternative to pregnancy while adoption is an alternative to parenting". Abortion is NOT, in most cases, an alternative to parenting, which means very few pregnant women who question their ability to parent consider abortion as a means to prevent parenthood. I say this merely because I do not believe my natural mom EVER considered an abortion. While it would have been legal for her to do so I believe her first instinct WAS to parent. I would imagine that the thought of abortion never even crossed her mind. So, to suggest that I be thankful for her choosing life seems preposterous to me.

The concept of ending a life just to eliminate the need to parent is ridiculous and I truly believe it happens very rarely. Women who choose to relinquish their child for adoption LOVE their baby with all their heart and soul. And they mourn the loss of that baby to adoption, oftentimes regretting their decision. I believe, perhaps naively, that the idea of terminating their pregnancy is about the furthest thing from their mind. They don't have an interest in aborting. They have an interest and a concern in their baby living a life, that sadly, they feel they can't provide. That does NOT mean they feel that the only alternative to parenting themselves is abortion.

I believe that a mother has an innate ability and DESIRE to be a parent and to protect her child. For that reason I will NOT show gratitude for my natural mother choosing life! It was her responsibility to do so as MY MOTHER! She and I were bonded together as mother and daughter for 9 months, and as my mother she took responsibility for my life during that time (and for 2 years after that). I consider her decision to carry me to term no different than if my adoptive mother stepped out in front of a car to protect me. As my natural mother it was her responsibility to protect me! I should NEVER be made to feel grateful to her for accepting that responsibility and BEING my mother!

Where To Begin?

2007-11-23T21:41:00.000-08:00

As is evident, I stepped away from blogging for a little while. Initially my reasoning was a lack of time or even interest. Actually, I just couldn't think of anything worth writing about. I read so many other adoptee and natural parent's blogs that are so well written and that exude such heart and soul through every word that my little old blog just felt somewhat insignificant. I began questioning my own relevance in this arena. Sure, I'm an adoptee as well as an up and coming AP, but I'm just a baby in my thoughts and feelings as they relate to adoption. It seems kind of strange to think that anyone would be interested in reading the evolution of MY thoughts and feelings as they relate to adoption.

I then reached a point where I thought I might come back to address some thoughts that were starting to overwhelm me, but then I became concerned that my blog would become something different from what I originally intended it to be. Originally I wanted my blog to be a way for me to share the positives of adoption, however, all of a sudden, I was finding myself wondering if there ARE any positives. I had a few days in which doubt and fear overtook me and I questioned if there was something wrong with me for feeling a certain way or even for NOT feeling a certain way. I finally chalked my feelings up to a continuing metamorphosis that within a couple days I was willing to acknowledge to myself was all a part of the process and certainly was not an indicator that I might be going crazy!!!

The funny thing is that since backing away nearly 4 months ago, I recently reached a point when I thought I might be ready to return, but there is now SO much in my brain that I wish to share I don't even know where to begin. In the past 4 months I have read and heard so many thoughts and comments related to adoption that have sparked such interest and a need to share my own opinions that I fear I might forget them all before I even get started. So, at this point I think I'm back. I'm still wondering where I might begin. Perhaps with a blogroll?! As I wrote above, I read so many other people's blogs that really have helped me in my grasping of some of the issues in today's adoption world, that I feel I should, at some point, give credit to those bloggers.

Again, I'm not sure where to begin, but here are some topics that within the next few weeks I hope to touch on, at least briefly (I'm only doing this so I don't forget):
Adoption vs. Abortion
Thoughts regarding natural parents (so much here that I don't even know where to begin in this topic alone)
Bonding and Attachment
The evolution of my own thoughts both as an adoptee and as a potential AP
Adoption Ethics and how the importance of this in my life has changed
The POSITIVES of adoption
More about MY story and why my own feelings about adoption have changed
Sharing my a-brother's story and what I believe went wrong in his adoption

So, I think I have plenty of topics to provide me with several new blog posts. If any jump out at you about which you are really curious to read my thoughts let me know (I know...I know...I'm using my readers to help me get started). Until then, I think I'm going to briefly touch on the one topic that really got my feathers ruffled just a few short weeks ago!

Learning Lessons While Avoiding Mistakes

2007-07-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

As I come closer to ending my time as Potential a-parent and entering the realm of a-parent, I have become increasingly aware of those things that I experienced as a child that I intend to avoid as a parent. Below are a list of things my a-parents did in raising my a-brother and me that I wish to repeat and those things that I hope to do differently.

Those Things I Wish to Repeat
1) My a-parents never expected me to be like them nor did they try to turn me into something I wasn't. At a rather early age I showed a propensity for music...something which neither of my a-parents shared. Despite their own interests, my gift and love for music was fed, and watered, and given the sunlight it needed to grow. To this day it amazes me how supportive they were of my own musical endeavors when they, themselves had very little interest or talent in it.
2) My a-parents showed me the true meaning of unconditional love. They were very forgiving. They allowed for mistakes and did not hold it against me when I made them.
3) Family time was more important than money! While some families practically hoard their money, my a-parents chose to spend their money on family outings and vacations. I know there is a lot of stigma associated with a-parents and their use of money to "buy" their a-child's affection but in our case the money was always used to enhance family time, and I am thankful for that. I hear so many stories about friends whose parents never took time off work and never took a vacation together, all in the name of saving that hard-earned American dollar. Our vacations were so important to our relationships! My a-Dad was a workaholic except for those 2-3 weeks a year when he would take time off of work and devote every waking minute to his family!
4) My a-parents were God-fearing Christians who devoted their lives to following the teachings of Christ. They raised me in the church but as I grew older they allowed me to explore religion as I wanted. I very rarely attended church with them but rather chose a Youth Group at another church where I felt welcome and comfortable. They supported my decision to do this and never pushed me to be more involved in "their" church.
5) My a-parents gave me the right to choose what I wanted for my own life. They didn't push me in any specific direction when deciding on a college and a career. All they ever expected of me was that I try my hardest and do my best. They never expected perfection...just that I reach my God-given potential in all I tried.

Those Things I Hope to Do Differently
1) For whatever reason, my a-parents never TOLD me about my adoption. I was 7 years old when I overheard my a-Mom telling a postal worker that I was adopted. IMO this is too late and it is information that should never be discussed with others before sharing with the child. My daughter will know her adoption story from Day 1 and all others, including family, will only hear the details when and if SHE is ready to share it with them.
2) My a-Mom expected a certain amount of gratitude for the life she and a-Dad gave me. I strove very hard to please my a-parents but every once in awhile, in their eyes, I would swerve off the tracks. When, as a teenager, I expressed displeasure or frustration at not being able to go out with friends or having to help around the house my a-Mom would say, "Well, you could have been an orphan and be living on the streets!". Not until now did I realize how damaging such words could be, especially to an adopted child. I will never expect my daughter to show gratitude for being adopted nor will I remind her of the kind of life she might have had were it not for us bringing her into our home.
3) My a-parents were not very open in talking with me about my adoption. I only recall having one lengthy conversation about my adoption and that was when I was 16. At that time a-Mom told me that when I was ready I could have my OBC with my birthmother's name on it. The problem with such an offer is what kind of parent-pleasing 16-year old is going to ask for information about her "other mother"? I will make my daughter's adoption a part of her every day life so that she doesn't have to ask. She will know she is adopted and we will talk about it often, whether she brings it up or not. I will never force the issue but I will make it clear to her that her adoption is something that we welcome talking about and are not interested in keeping a secret.
4) My a-parents did not give much opportunity for adoption to even be discussed outside the home. While maybe not necessarily other people's business, we always had some cute way to explain our differences in appearance. It was like an inside joke...someone would make a comment about my looks taking after my a-Mom's and she and I would just look at each other and smile. So many times I wanted to say, "But she's not my 'real' mother. I'm adopted." While that might have been hurtful to my a-Mom and I might not have actually spoken those words, it would have been nice to have the freedom to share that with people and not have to lie or hide what I really thought inside. I want for my daughter to feel free to say what she wants to whoever she wants. If she wants people to know she's adopted then that is her perogative and I cannot allow my own poor self-esteem or fear of rejection to get in the way. She will have feelings that need to be expressed, whether to me or to others, and I want her to know that's OK and I want her to feel comfortable sharing her emotions with anyone she chooses.
5) My a-parents knew very little about me, my birthmom, my family, my culture, etc. On those rare instances when I would actually voice a question or concern they were not able to answer me and hopes of a conversation would diminish. I want to know as much as possible about my daughter, her mother, her foster family and home, her culture, and her country before I EVER bring her home. If not fully informed, then I want to at least have the resources available so that when she comes to me with questions I can either answer her or help her find the answers for herself. I want the opportunity to learn as much as possible about her mother so that when she is old enough and makes the decision for herself to meet her a relationship will already be in place to make that possible. I believe this is a valuable relationship for her to have and a key in helping to maintain some connection to her past and her culture...this is a relationship that I am more than willing to help foster and nurture to the best of my ability.
6) Although my a-parents never tried to "mold" me into something I wasn't, I was always treated like "their" daughter...like I belonged to them and had always belonged to them. In not talking about my adoption they made it clear that they wanted to view me as "their own". According to my a-parents, I was meant to be their daughter...it was a part of God's plan. If that were true then it was also a part of God's plan that I be neglected for 2 years and that my birthmother experience the pain of giving birth to me, raising me for 2 years, and then making the decision to relinquish me. I cannot believe that is true and I will not raise my daughter to believe this either. I intend to be honest with her and tell her the story of how she came to be a part of our family. She will know the culture and history of her country as it relates to women and single mothers. She will know that her birthmother did not make this decision so that I might have a child...she made this decision for her daughter. I was never in the equation when she made this decision, nor should I ever put myself on such a pedastal to believe I was. To express any form of gratitude toward her birthmother for giving me the honor of parenting her child would demean the real reason HER daughter is a part of MY life.

I know I'm not perfect and will sometimes stumble along the path to raising my daughter. I just hope that starting with the above list of "do's" and "don'ts" as learned from my a-parents will help me in continuing the valuable lessons they taught me while also preventing me from repeating past mistakes.

A Hypocritical Perspective?

2007-07-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

Is it hypocritical to not be happy about parts of your own adoption experience yet still be OK with adoption in general? Can you be angry about some of the things that happened to you as a result of your adoption but still look past the negatives of your own experience to see the positives of adoption? I believe you can because I believe I do. I don't know if it's hypocritical or not, but it is who I am, a part of me, to look for and find the good in all things.

I have recently come to the realization that some of the painful and potentially damaging experiences I had AS AN ADOPTEE were in direct correlation to being adopted (I say potentially because I do not believe that I have allowed these things to damage the person that I am, however someone with a different personality experiencing the same things might come away with more scars than me). Despite the realization that parts of my adoption were less-than-ideal and despite reading accounts of other adult adoptees whose experiences were even more less-than-ideal than my own, I still hold a certain amount of respect for the philosophy behind adoption and its purpose.

In my opinion, the purpose of adoption is to give a child a home who might not otherwise have one (it should NOT be to fill a void in a lonely couple's life or to help a family meet their gender status quo). Were it not for adoption many more children than already are would be living in orphanages, group homes, foster homes, or even on the street. I believe there are several reasons why a child might not have a home:
1) Death of a parent with either no immediate family or no family willing to raise the child.
2) The child's homelife is unsafe or damaging due to neglect, abuse, etc. and a decision is made to remove the child from the home.
3) Public or governmental policy dicates the number of children permitted in a home.
4) And, unfortunately, in today's world, there are many societies that frown upon single motherhood. Single women with children can't find jobs or keep jobs. So, why keep having children, you might ask? Well, in many cultures the use of birth control is often not acceptable or even possible. In addition, many of these women live in a place where men are dominant and expect a woman to meet his needs without being married to him. She does as is expected, gets pregnant, and then, out of fear and in desperation for herself and maybe for older children already in her care, she makes the difficult decision to either abandon her newborn baby or make an adoption plan. Oftentimes it's her only hope for a future.

As my husband and I began our own journey to adopt a child I remember commenting that if I could use our adoption money to change society's opinions regarding birthmothers and single motherhood then I would do that rather than adopt. I was immediately informed that there is NO WAY to change society or its opinions. What society feels and believes is what it feels and believes...no amount of money will ever change that. And unfortunately I believe that is true. You can contribute all the money in the world to change laws and policies but you cannot ever pay people enough to change their minds.

There are children in this world and in this country who need homes. Without adoption these children will continue living in places that are not conducive to proper growth and development. Admittedly, taking a child out of her country of origin may not be ideal, however, until those countries make concrete plans for how to care for their own orphans there is no denying that a home is better than nothing at all.

Do Looks Really Matter?

2007-06-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

Do looks really matter to adopted children? What can parents do to ensure that their adopted children feel comfortable regardless of how their looks blend with the family? Is this even possible?

My answer to the first question is a resounding "YES"! I looked very different from my a-parents. My a-Dad had several stereotypical Native American attributes including jet black hair, brown (almost black) eyes, a large, hook-shaped nose, and red skin. My a-Mom had dark brown hair, blue eyes, very pale skin with freckles, and a petite, thin build. Both my a-parents were average height. I, on the other hand, have red hair, green eyes, light skin tone with freckles and a more medium build. I never grew to be even close to the same height as either of my a-parents. When I was little strangers would always ask me where I got my red hair. As modeled and encouraged by my a-Mom, a simple "From God" accompanied by a little tilt of the head, angelic smile, and twinkle in the eye was all that sufficed. The result? Oh, those inqisitive (er...dare I say nosey?) people would respond right on cue! They would "ooh" and "aah" as they beamed from ear to ear and would walk away cooing to one another, "Well, isn't that just the cutest thing?"! Ah...from the mouths of babes!

But you see, there arose a problem in this grand scheme of a-Mom's and mine. It was only cute for so long. Once I got to be 14, 15, 16...that little head tilt, angelic smile, blah blah blah, just didn't seem to work anymore. I had to get smarter. Time passed, and while my a-parents seemed to reach an impasse on how to answer this question without stating the obvious, I became a high school student who for a very short period in my life absolutely loved BIOLOGY. Yes, I said BIOLOGY! I most particularly found myself interested in the study of genetics. I quickly learned that although red hair is a recessive gene 2 parents with dark hair might have the red hair gene but it is dominated by the dark gene, so they themselves might not have red hair but they can produce a child with red hair. AHA!!!! There was my answer. Only, do you notice something about this new explanation? Without even realizing it I found a way to cover the fact that I was adopted. I found an explanation that would make it reasonable for any normal person to assume that my a-parents were actually my b-parents. And it wasn't until just this week that I realized that's what I was doing, or at least it certainly appears to be what I was doing! W-O-W! What a startling realization! All this time I never thought looks mattered, yet there I was, as a teenager in high school looking for a way to make it appear as if my family was "normal"! As if I was normal! So, do looks really matter to the adopted child? You bet! But how can a-parents help in making their children feel comfortable in a family that looks so different from them? Tough question...

I believe you need to be honest with your children and share with them their adoption story from day one.
You need to ensure that your children have pictures of their b-parents so they know the origin of their hair color, eye color, and the shape of their nose, chin, and mouth.
You need to allow your children to ask questions about their b-parents and if you don't have the answers be honest about not knowing and together look for ways to obtain those answers.
You should not fabricate a cute anecdote for your children to use in explaining to others why they look different from the rest of the family. Allow them to be honest with those curious enough to ask and allow them to provide as much or as little information as they wish to disclose. It is their information to do with as they choose, but you must provide them with that information in the first place. Should people ask before the child is old enough to respond you must be willing and able to share a very small part of the truth, which is that you adopted them. Nothing more...nothing less. No big hoopla about the why or where or how of the story. Just a simple..."our child is adopted".
You must not allow your own fears and inadequacies to get in the way of what is best for your children!
If at all possible you must allow your children to have a relationship with their b-parents. While looks might be reflected through photos all other personality traits can only be revealed through direct, personal contact.
Finally, you must ALLOW your children to feel uncomfortable. It's not a reflection on the quality of parenting. It's allowing your child to feel what is inevitable. You cannot change your children's physical appearance and you cannot change the fact that YOU chose FOR THEM to join your family. It is what it is. They look different because they are different and no amount of wishing OR love will change that. The only thing you can do is empathize with them and be there for them when they come to you. If you are honest with your children from the begininng they will learn to trust you and they WILL come to you when they are ready! No matter how hard you try, you cannot force the relationship to happen. All you can do is nurture it and then stand back and allow it to grow freely!

A Journey of Discovery

2007-06-15T03:48:00.000-07:00

As I have already written, I entered the realm of adoption research with very little knowledge of the AA world. I never defined my adulthood by my adoption. I certainly told people I was adopted, especially when discussing unique characteristics or personality traits. However, when introducing myself to someone or even having a conversation with someone who already knew I was adopted, I NEVER thought to refer to myself as an "Adult Adoptee". In fact, I never heard the term "Adult Adoptee" until I began my adoption research. I was one of those "politically incorrect" adoptees who referred to my b-parents as my "real" parents or "bio" parents and my a-parents simply as my parents. Before now, if I chose to talk about myself as being adopted I would refer to myself as an "adopted child" (gasp....horror, I know)! I never thought to connect any of my personality traits to my adoption. I never assessed my behavior or attitude enough to wonder why I might behave or act the way I did. Nor did I ever question my reactions (or lack thereof) to the different aspects of my adoption experience. That is...until now!

I am beginning to wonder if there are thoughts and feelings that perhaps I have always felt deep inside but never allowed to surface. Even within some of my posts on this blog I see an evolution of thought and emotion as I begin to express my feelings about my own adoption. I am finding that I will start a post or blog entry with one opinion before ending almost 180 degrees from where I started. Usually I don't bother going back to change my original statement because I like to see my own metamorphosis as it occurs. I will often begin by stating that something never bothered me or that I never even thought of such a thing and then by the time I conclude my post I'm writing in a way that reveals to me that I actually have been affected by the very thing I said wasn't an issue. I find this whole process very interesting while at the same time somewhat frustrating. I like to have control of my emotions, yet when I begin sharing information about a particular event or circumstance that occurred in my life I feel as if I am losing control of that emotion, writing things that I never even knew were part of me.

Ultimately, I have discovered a lot about myself in the 6 short months that I have been on this journey. Some things I already knew and have just validated. Other things are completely foreign and I am just beginning to figure out how to express them and deal with them. No matter what, I will continue to view my adoption as a positive experience. I am learning that there are some things that could have been done differently yet I will never question that all parties involved, including my b-parents, my a-parents, and even the adoption agency had my best interest at heart. And for that I will always be thankful!

A Simple Question…A Not So Simple Answer

2007-05-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

The 2 things I am most frequently asked whenever I tell someone that I am adopted is “Do you know your b-Mom?” and “Have you thought about searching for her?” The simple answer to both those questions is “No” and “Yes”. But then there are no simple answers in life, are there? So here is the less simple answer to both those questions.

“Do I know my b-Mom?” NO. I know a little about her from what I was told by my a-parents but I do not KNOW her. I was once told by my a-Mom that she and my a-Dad had my OBC with my b-Mom’s name on it but since I started the process to adopt my own child and needed a newly issued BC I learned from my a-Dad that he in fact does not have in his possession my OBC nor is it possible for him to get it. I was born in NY and records of my closed adoption were sealed with no one, including myself, ever permitted access to them.

“Have I thought about searching for her?” YES. But thinking about it is as far as my mind has or will probably ever take me. There are many reasons for this.
1) I had a very comfortable and happy life as an adoptee. Sure, there were situations that I wish had happened differently. But I was happy. I never thought of adoption as a bad thing. Adoption in my family was “normal”. I was adopted. My brother was fostered and then adopted. My a-parents fostered my brother’s brother. And my a-parents served as “emergency” foster parents well into my teen years. Fostering and adoption were a way of life for my family. It was a way of life that I didn’t question or think too much about. It just WAS! This was how our family was formed and to put into motion the act of searching would be to question the comfort and happiness, the way of life, my a-parents provided for me.
2) My a-Mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 19. She passed away after finally losing her 10-year battle with the disease. I feared that if I ever broached the subject of my adoption and a possible search during these 10 years my a-Mom would have thought I was trying to replace her before she was even gone, and I could not bear to think of causing her this worry and pain. Now that she is gone I do not want my a-Dad to think that I am trying to replace the mother that I no longer have. It is a vicious cycle. My a-parents loved me with all their heart and soul and I cannot imagine returning this love by searching for the woman who chose for me to be raised by them rather than raise me herself.
3) I cannot begin to imagine the reasons my b-Mom chose to place me for adoption. But she did, and I cannot change that moment in history. While I once considered her decision a “great act of love” I now know it must have been a painful choice…one that she may have decided to put behind her and not share with her present family. I do not feel it right to put my own desires before hers and barge through her door announcing my arrival with arms outstretched waiting for her embrace. My hope and prayer is that she HAS moved on with her life and that she has a loving family who fills the void that I created. I cannot be the one to rehash the pain and heartache she must have felt when she said her last goodbye to me…I WILL NOT!
4) Again, I do not know the circumstances of my b-Mom’s life. And at this point in my own life I do not have the emotional ability to face more rejection and heartache. I could not stand to learn that she wants nothing to do with me, or find that she has since passed away. I am happy in my world thinking that she wanted a better life for me so chose to end my 2 years of neglect by placing me for adoption. I am not ready, and I may never be ready, to learn the truth of my adoption and her relinquishment. It is not a story I want to hear.

I am in a good place in my life right now. I have been happily married for 12 years to the most wonderful man in the world. He loves me and cares for me and supports me in everything I do, including if I decided to search for my b-Mom. He and I, together, decided to adopt our first child from Guatemala. Our daughter will know her story and if possible she will know her b-Mom so that when she is ready to have a relationship with her that bridge will already be in place.

So, NO, I do not know my birthmother. And, YES, I have thought about searching. I do not doubt that I will continue thinking about it for the rest of my life. But for now I am happy with the life I have and with the people who are a part of it. I know there are questions that I so desperately want answered. But those questions and answers will have to wait until the day when I am ready to ask and then to listen. Until then I will continue to simply answer NO and YES when curiosity leads people to ask me those 2 simple questions.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

2007-05-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

As I entered the arena of adoption research I was amazed at the many different viewpoints and the strong emotions reflected by each member of the adoption triad. I started off only exposing myself to the writings of families experiencing the same things as myself…those families adopting internationally. Then I ventured out beyond those walls of the Message Board and began reading posts and comments from families adopting domestically. That soon led to reading the stories and thoughts of birth mothers-something I tried to avoid for fear of where it would lead my feelings in regard to my own birth mother. And of course that eventually led me to the websites and forums created by and designed for those of us who were adopted.

Through this journey I have read many comments posted by each member of the triad as they respond to the thoughts and feelings of “opposing” members. And I am disheartened. There is nothing that I dislike more than name calling, especially when we don’t even really KNOW the person we are calling names. Personally, when I begin reading posts and comments that aim to attack and hurt individuals the author of that comment immediately loses credibility in my eyes. And when that happens, regardless of how valid their position might be, I have a hard time referring back to that person as a source of information and knowledge.

I most recently came across this name calling in a discussion about returning adopted children to their birth parents if it was proven that they were coerced into relinquishing their child. This is a very legitimate and thought-provoking question…one that certainly incites a lot of emotion and very clearly some opposing viewpoints depending on which side of the triad you sit. However, since my own opinion about this is very much on the fence, and since I represent two opposing views within the triad, I wanted to expose myself to some other thoughts before putting my own opinion into words. Unfortunately I didn’t find much. What I DID find was a lot of personal attacks based on misinterpretations and misunderstandings. And the most offensive attack of all was directed to the birth mother who raised the question on her own blog.

As I read the comments and the attacks I couldn’t help but ask myself how this was going to help in the campaign for adoption reform. As I wrote above, the initial question is a very legitimate one and one that deserves attention as we turn our eyes to adoption reform. However, if all that results from asking such questions is personal attack and feelings of “my opinion is the only one that matters because I am the one most affected by adoption” then there will be no reform. Those people responsible for actually enacting reform will not stand around and listen to grown men and women attack each other and call each other names. At some point we will all need to recognize that all of our intentions are noble and worthy of respect. Sure, there are some people out there who only have their own best interests at heart, but I believe (perhaps naively) that those are the minority. For the most part we all want what is best for one particular individual…the adoptee. And no amount of name calling and individual attacks are going to help make life any better for him/her. It is often said that those who speak the loudest accomplish the most. As individuals our voice is but a whisper, but if we join together we can insist that our voices be heard!

No Greater Act of Love…Or So We are Led to Believe

2007-05-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

I entitled my blog “No Greater Act of Love” because IMO the single greatest act of love that I have ever experienced was the day my b-Mom decided to place me for adoption. It’s not a moment I remember or even care to remember and I pray it’s not a moment that haunts HER, though I fear it might. I consider my relinquishment an act of love because that is what I was told, which giving them the benefit of the doubt, might also have been what my AP’s were told. Poor, neglected Irene…left alone in her crib for hours and days on end, until…poof…one day my fairy Godmother came along and whispered in my b-Mom’s ear that I deserved better. That she could not handle the responsibility, so why not give me to someone who could?

I have so many mixed emotions as I think back to that day, that moment in time. How was she feeling? Why, after 2 years, did she make this decision? What circumstances in her life changed? Was this an act of love, an act of desperation, an act of coercion? Who did she turn to for help? Was there anyplace for her to go? Why…why…why? So many questions yet who is there to answer them?

As I have gotten older and reconsidered my naïve acceptance of the “truth” I have begun to wonder whether this really was an act of love. Certainly as far as my AP’s are concerned it was…for them. They loved me the moment they set eyes on me. They couldn’t imagine loving another child as much as they loved me. And you know what…I don’t doubt this for a second. And what about for me? Well…if I take the story I was told as fact then yes…it was an act of love. I was neglected for 2 years. When my AP’s adopted me I couldn’t talk and at 2 years of age barely tipped the scale at 20 pounds. I needed a family not necessarily for love or even material things…I needed a family for SURVIVAL!!! So it was an act of love in THAT respect.

But then again…a child loves unconditionally. At 2 years of age, regardless of the hell I might have lived in I am sure that I was very emotionally attached to and in love with my b-Mom. And what did leaving her mean and do to me? Did I not talk for my first year in my AP’s home because I was in shock from the trauma of being ripped from the only home I knew? And what about my b-Mom? I now know that there is no possible way she viewed this as an act of love. No matter how much she felt I deserved better, losing me after trying desperately to care for me for 2 years must have torn her heart and soul in two! She may have only been 16 when she finally made that decision, but she was ONLY 16! Perhaps, for the first time in her life, I taught her what it was like to be loved and depended on, and in the blink of an eye, in the single beat of a heart, I was gone. Out of her life, never to be seen or heard from again.

Yes…I was loved by many people but the act of adoption itself is not one shrouded in love. It is one to be reflected on and learned from, and for many people involved, viewed as an act of pain, heartache, grief, and especially LOSS! And to think that I once considered this an “act of love!”

Why Don’t I Feel Like Everyone Else? Or Do I?

2007-05-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have not gotten very far on this blog because… Well, just because. In just the few short weeks since my first post my attitudes and feelings toward adoption and AA’s has begun to morph. Oh, don’t worry…I’m not saying I’ve totally jumped the fence and have a whole new opinion. But I am much closer to the fence than I was before.

You see, when I first started this blog, "No Greater Act of Love", my intention was to counter the many negative adoptee blogs and anti-adoption messages I was finding on the WWW. But I am having trouble finding the words. I believe my problem is that there just CANNOT be “right” or “wrong” answers to the questions surrounding adoption. I can sometimes be a very black and white individual and unfortunately for me, in this discussion, those colors do not exist. I started this journey seeing only the “right” side of adoption…how it had affected me in a positive way. I started my research only looking at the warm, fuzzy stories. Stories about how, after a long, painful period of infertility families were finally created through the miracle of adoption, how children were rescued from impoverished situations and given a chance at a life they might not otherwise have had, how young women were given the opportunity to choose a better life for their child while also getting a chance to start their own lives over. How could adoption be “wrong”? Everyone wins!!!! The child, the adoptive family, the birth mother! It all seems so “right”!

But, alas, my research continues! I have allowed myself to read the stories written by BP’s and AA’s. In these stories I read about coercion and lies. I read about sealed records and lost families. What I have learned in just these few short weeks is that adoption is not and CANNOT be seen in black and white. While some things about adoption ARE “right” there are equally as many things that are so “wrong”! My experience as an adoptee might have been a positive one but my coping skills and my life are not another person’s and I cannot expect them to see things and feel things the same way I do. There are people who really struggle, on a daily basis, with being adopted. It affects their desire to parent children, it affects their relationships, and it affects their day-to-day function. The same is true for BP’s. The affects of this “adoption miracle” on their lives is anything but a miracle.

Once upon a time I firmly believed that the anger and pain felt by these 2 members of the adoption triad (and any other person with “issues”) was a result of their own inability to take responsibility for their lives! I felt that if they would just leave the past behind and not blame other’s in their life for their own problems then they would be fine. Hey, that’s what I’ve done, right? Surely if I can do it so can everyone else! I’ve had some pretty crappy things happen in my life but do I let that affect me? Well…maybe I do and maybe I don’t. But just because I feel that I am capable of moving on does not mean that everyone else has to or even CAN! Everyone is entitled to their pain and their anger and their heartache! EVERYONE! So, why don’t I feel like everyone else? Well…I think in some small way I do. And if I don’t…that’s OK! I’m entitled to my feelings and no one can tell me whether how I feel is “right” or “wrong”!

Ah Yes...Mother's Day

2007-05-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

So...what does Mother's Day mean to me? Well, for the past 4 years, since the death of my aMom, Mother's Day has just kind of come and gone. Just another day in paradise. Just another Sunday sitting in Church only on this day watching as the Moms are recognized while I think about the mother I no longer have and the child for whom I long to embrace. But maybe...just maybe...this Mother's Day will be different. For, you see, this Mother's Day I have the knowledge that soon it will be my turn. Soon this holiday will have meaning for me not just as a daughter honoring her mother, but as a mother honoring her daughter!

No...Mother's Day shouldn't just be about the Mommies of the world who give tirelessly of themselves for their families and finally deserve one day of rest. For without the children there would be no Mommies to honor. So I say, let's turn the tables. Oh, I don't mean forget about our Moms. By all means...they deserve recognition for their hard work and sacrifice. But the children of this world also deserve recognition and honor. They deserve a break. They deserve a "thank you" for being who they are.

Yes...get Mom that cherished Mother's Day pendant or sweetly planted marigold in the Dixie cup. Cook her a nice dinner and clean up afterwards while she soaks in a nice hot bubble bath. But before the night is done, Moms, regardless of how much they did for you this day, turn to your kid(s) with a smile, wrap your arms around them, and thank them for the joy and happiness they bring to you.

Why I Blog!

2007-05-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

I am an adult-adoptee in the beginning stages of adopting my own daughter from Guatemala! It is a wonderful yet anxiety-filled process. Throughout our journey, my husband (Cie) and I have done countless hours of research. We read the required books given to us by our agency and have done a lot of perusing the internet.

During this stage of perusing I have found myself drawn to the many different blogs created by Adoptive Parents (AP's), Birth Parents (BP's), and Adult Adoptees (AA's). The angle from which all these different members of the Adoption Triad write are all so different and so eye-opening I find myself in awe of how such an amazing process can affect people in such vastly different ways!

Unfortunately, in my search, I have found very few AA blogs that reveal the positive side of adoption. Sure, the AP's mostly share the warm fuzzies while BP's mostly share the heartache and pain. And to me that is what I would expect from these two groups. However, I was astounded to learn that very few AA's view their adoption experience as one of LOVE! I had never considered the negative aspects of adoption before I started the process myself, and now I am horrified!

So, my goal, through this blog, is to share my thoughts and experiences. It might not be all warm and fuzzy because I certainly DO agree that there are areas of adoption that are broken and need to be fixed! BUT...my personal adoption experience WAS a positive one, and I WILL NOT state otherwise in order to appease the AA's out there. I am NOT in denial nor am I trying to please the AP's of the world...it's the truth! Not one ounce of me can look at my experience and question why it happened or whether I would be better off had it not happened! I LOVE my AP's and always knew that they loved me and wanted the best for me! As with anyone's life story there are some things that probably could have happened differently but they do not define my experience as an adoptee. First and foremost I was a child and am now an adult (NOT an adopted child or an AA) and my life and story that will weave through the posts of this blog will reflect that. My life is not defined by my adoption, but rather I hope to define adoption by my life. I hope you enjoy!